Rapier's Wit

Normally, I just read my horoscopes and get a chuckle.  But the past couple have given me exactly what I need to hear.  Quite honestly, deep down I am just a hippie chick who believes the cosmos-really-knows-me-best and delivers it if I keep my eyes open and my mind even opener . Just go with me on this and my mutilation of grammar. Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22) Your day can be mixed with contradictions because you may intuitively sense that you're on the edge of something big ... and although it's exciting to think that there are no limits to your far-reaching ideas now, you might have to face an unexpected obstacle. A seemingly insignificant social event can set you in a direction that is very advantageous to your career. Combining business with pleasure isn't always a wise idea, but today it may be just what the doctor ordered for your success.

Check out this horoscope!  I can dig it. Yes, please and thank you! Give me a double helping. You are stepping into a fun-filled phase when your life lightens and you want to express yourself in a more playful manner. Even if it's challenging to find everything you're seeking, you are still more willing to move forward with anticipation now, rather than shut down in fear. It's certainly more pleasurable to be with someone you like than spending your time alone wishing for company.

General horrorscopes, in my opinion, are just lucky guesses or means to have something hopeful to hang on to for a 24 hour period.  Once in a blue moon the readers of the stars and planets get it right-ish. The Twittascopes from yesterday and today are in the ballpark of where my head (and heart) is residing: Yesterday - October 13: Even if you're certain about what you want, it's not easy to determine the most reliable way to get it. Your thoughts may become stuck on sweet pleasures that are hard to come by at this time. You might think that everything will ultimately be okay, but you're still challenged by your own insecurities and doubts about how to proceed in your pursuit of happiness. Don't be distracted by external circumstances now; seek joy from within instead. Today - October 14: The Sun's quintile with potent Pluto reminds you that nearly anything is possible with good planning and smart execution. Unfortunately, you can still run into problems...

Quite literally today, I gritted my teeth so hard that I'm experiencing pain in my jaw.  I should mention that a dull, throbbing pain was already being experienced thanks to overindulgence of Jelly Belly jelly beans.  Chili mango flavor, if you must know. Hopefully the dentist will see me first thing Monday morning. However, I do think filtering myself increased the discomfort. OK, back to me biting my tongue and gritting my teeth.  As part of a new training process at work, we had to face some truly biting constructive criticism. By 'we' I mean my lab partners and me.  Without going into detail, it required hearing things never brought to our attention in such an open forum. Also, I took it to heart. " This stings! It's what I do for a living and take pride in; however, I appreciate your honesty ."  A tough pill to swallow, for sure. Prior to this training I might have spouted off and went below the line of keeping it professional.  Yeah, imagine me not ...

Let me start out by stating that I in no way shape or form consider myself charming or delightful. There are periodic bouts of wittiness that might give me a sense of charm, but they are hit or miss. Also, I don't want what I write about to be completely based on my horriblescopes. That being said, Yahoo must have hired a new astrologer because the past week's postings have been eery. That ordinarily charming way you have with words will be even more lethal now, so you should definitely be careful about flinging those casual comments around. You might think you're kidding around -- not really flirting, just teasing a little. But to them, you may be the best thing that's come their way since ice cream. Think before you speak, even if you're just being nice. This stuff you're putting out is easier to turn on than to shut off. I am guided by my emotions; yet, I fight them at every turn. My Mr. Spock mentality tells me 'that is illogical' when my hea...

I woke earlier than I expected to. Staying up late last night was meant to assure me a sleep in.  WRONG! My nine and a half hour work day spent on my feet caused me much back distress.  Time on a heating pad helped a little, but a pain patch should have been applied before retiring to the Egyptian cotton fortress of comfort. I'm a little sad to report that I have no dream recall.  There were a couple dreams that pushed me into awakeness and in spite of telling myself to remember them, it was for naught. I forgot when the pain in my back woke me. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow. Since the coffee maker leaks more water on the counter than actually ends up in the pot -- making a horrible flavor of java -- I sit here considering throwing on a bra and my coat to make my way to the gas station for some of their fake cappuccino.  I stopped there yesterday for regular coffee. BLECH! Clearly they've not cleaned the spouts because it was bitter.  Spew! I'd buy a new coffee mak...

I gnoring that one particular individual who seems to have a talent for aggravating you won't be easy. You'll have to bite your tongue, smile falsely and force yourself to be totally different from the way you are. But why bother? Because you won't want the scar of a petty argument following your and your companions around for the entire evening. Don't worry. You can do the right thing without being untrue to yourself or letting them know they've gotten to you. Kill them with kindness -- tonight. Call them on it tomorrow. That was my horriblescope for today, Thursday, January 21, 2010. I suspect it's a good thing I had the headache from hell and didn't go to work. Oh, I was supposed to help out my friend and former bossman at another store, but he was sweet enough to take pity on me in my moment of pain. I left work early yesterday thanks to the excruciating thumping going on in my cranium. I'm positive Wiley Coyote put an Acme Anvil on my face when I w...

Life is good, love is grand and the world is a wonderful place to be. One of you has finally gotten up the courage to mention exactly how you feel and the other has responded with an enthusiastic 'me too!' There's no catch, either. For the next few days, if not weeks, you'll be right on top of the world -- and when you're happy, everybody's happy! Be sure to spread the good feelings around. It's only fair. That's my horriblescope for today. The 'you' portion is crystal clear, but is the 'other'? Do ya? Do ya love me, huh? Stopping reading these things would be most advisable, no doubt.  One thing speaks volumes in all the babbling from the heavens: " When you're happy, everybody's happy! "  Truer words never spoken. Just ask my coworkers and they'll confirm this. The concept of me sharing these good feelings by way of spreading them around has me concerned. If I'm feeling good and happy then, by association, ...

The new year is quickly approaching. In fact, it's so close I can hear the clicking of its stiletto heels on the pavement. New Year's Eve is very much like a Hollywood starlet with all the glitz and glamour of a red carpet event.  In she strolls and all the attention is on her.  So much is expected from this beauty.  Then, at least for me, reality strikes when she opens her mouth ... all the build up was for naught. She's just another girl wearing a form fitting designer gown on loan from Valentino and borrowed jewels from Harry Winston. Stripped down and without all the hype, we realize it's just the turning of a page on the calendar.  Well, that and we have to get accustomed to writing another date on checks. I do not fancy New Year's Eve.  There. I said it. Call me envious or jaded.  It's rare if ever that I have plans to celebrate the new year.  In this decade there has been only one occasion that I wasn't at home with my son.  It was 2001. ...

When I read the first 3 words of my horoscope this morning my heart went pitter patter. It was quickly replaced by a sense of panic. I work in a mall. Do you realize the number of freakazoids who meander the corridors of a mall? I work where we're on display like poo-flinging monkeys in the zoo! I have no idea who might be gazing at me. I'd die a thousand deaths if it's Mullet man. Seriously, if that was the case I'd pull a Samurai suicide with a dull butter knife. A certain someone -- after yet another day of boring through your soul with their penetrating glances -- will finally approach you and say what's on their mind: you! If you're unattached and interested, this could be the one. You know, The One! For good measure, how about returning a few intense stares yourself? Just don't be surprised when once the staring begins, few words are exchanged. I've not been feeling a penetration of any sort lately... glances or otherwise. There's no doubt th...

I realize the content of this blog, lately, is best described as textual boredom. I'd offer an apology, however, I am one of those people who can't force inspiration. And to be quite honest, I have no idea if anyone beyond a handful are continuing to read my personal blathering. When your life consists of getting up, making coffee; checking (and hoping) for emails that aren't spam ie. Urban Word of the Day, Amazon.com or forwards about it being the 52nd friendship week of the year; getting ready for work; working; coming home from work; making dinner... you get the idea. My life isn't action packed. I could piss and moan about work but that doesn't bode well when you're trying to make the workplace more harmonious. Not to mention comments would come from the wood work to chastise me for not being more grateful at this time of year. To which I would annoyingly reply, "suck it, Trebek!" Mancub is fantastic and performing phenomenally well academic...

You need a change of scenery. Sitting still has always been a challenge for you. But at the moment, it's going to basically impossible. Why fight it? Get out there and mix it up. Someone special would like to spend some quality time with you right now. Whether it's an old friend, a new flame or a long-neglected family member, share yourself with someone you adore. They'll appreciate the gesture and you'll increase your cosmic connection with this person. Increase my cosmic connection ... bring it! C'mon!! This is something I can fully grasp. Well, in an outer dimensional method of thinking. Let's dance this mess around. I have to do laundry today. Doubt is on the horizon of actualizing this horoscope there. I'm avoiding the big laundromat just in case Asshat Running Man gets the same idea. That is one person with whom I do not have a cosmic thing .

Listen to your heart closely today, because it's going to alert you to a new romance or love opportunity. This might not involve romance in the terms of a significant other -- it could very well mean that more romantic ideas and concepts are becoming more prominent in your life. But either way, you should keep yourself open to new opportunities and do whatever you can to honor a recent commitment you made with someone you have known for a very long time. ....and right before Halloween. Maybe this would be more appropriate on April 1.  For as long as you've all known/read me, you've probably gathered that I am a hopeful sort.  While I get discouraged and over-think e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, I still keep the faith that one day my time will come to have all the warm fuzzy feelings of romance and not find them skipping town at the first notion of me reciprocating. I don't like being toyed with.  For sure there are people who get a thrill from that cat and mouse game.  I d...

Here it is: "Your imagination is quite vivid right now, but try not to let it lead you too far into a fantasy world, particularly when you meet someone new. You need to keep your feet on the ground and base decisions only on the facts at hand -- drawing conclusions or making any type of assumption could take you a long way down the wrong path. But just because you have to keep it cool doesn't mean you can't have fun! Unleash your charm, and you will be the life of the party." Unfortunately, my imagination almost always gets the best of me.  Undoubtedly I daydream more than the average person.  I can't scientifically prove this, but when you lead a romantically solitary life as I do, you tend to let your wily side run amuck in the abyss that is your waking mind. However, due to my attempts to keep this blog along the lines of PG-13, I won't go into details.  Let me just say if these thoughts were ever put to the reality challenge someone might end up in tract...

Today's horriblescope is brought to you by Liquid Courage. The fine makers of tequila, vodka, bourbon and on extra special occasions, Dom Perignon. They say ( who are they anyway ?) "actions speak louder than words." Another good one is "silence is golden." But I do suspect there are those times when a person just needs to allow some transparency. The assumption that one's mind can be read has long been the cause of broken relationships or missed opportunity. Leo (7/23-8/22) Try saying what you feel instead of hoping someone close to you will read your mind. Not only will it save lots and lots of confusion, but you'll feel brave and adult for actually facing this situation head-on rather than trying to pretend it's not there. The other party may not respond in the way you would hope, but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything you could in the most honorable way possible. What I'm not afraid to say is that today is th...

" People will be projecting their own issues onto you, today -- so don't listen to those who are pointing out your faults. They're either jealous of you or worried that they themselves are failing. It seems like everyone has issues right now, and their insecurities could start to get on your nerves. Before you lose your temper and tell them off, it's best to go off by yourself and be alone. You can't get caught up in feeding the egos of other people. " This particular horriblescope can apply to nearly any day of my work week. However, I don't believe it is jealousy that triggers behaviors from others that raise my blood pressure. I confidently ascertain that some people are just assholes. And while I spend much of my day placating the childishness of some, I tire of it. My attempts to remain professional are tested. Unleashing the honesty beast gives me satisfaction and stops the whining in its tracks. Mancub hit his freshman year with strong strides, bu...

I might eventually get off this horriblescope roller coaster. I can't help that it's often so off course one day, and then the guessing can be vaguely hop back on the track. Then, there are days where the prediction is so far behind the curve that it appears out in front. This is the word of the day. "The past is coming back, not to haunt you -- but to thrill you! Whether it's an old flame returning to town to see what you're up to, an old photo you find that stirs up some hilarious memories, or even just a song on the oldies station that reminds you of summer camp, your past is suddenly very present. This is a wonderful day to travel down memory lane and let yourself remember the person you used to be -- and of course, marvel at the person you have become." For anyone who reads this blog with any regularity, you know my past is a huge part of my present. I love my friends! Here we are at the Meadowview Theater in Kankakee awaiting the start of the reinvented...

Happy GLEEday, y'all! I know there are some of you who laugh at my love of the new show GLEE. I realize some of you (obvious victims of blunt force head trauma) who don't like the program. It's OK. I forgive and still love you. This week marks the opening of the movie remake of FAME! I'll be going to see it on Friday with friends who appreciate the first movie, as well as, the television series based on the school of the arts. I'm excited! Jazz hands will be flying! It'll surely be an interesting mix of theater goers: Youth vs. more mature people who experienced FAME the first time around. Naturally, we're superior. Speaking of being aged and mature ... My back has been killing me. I have no idea what I did to get this way. I know when I had back X-rays many moons ago prior to a chiropractic adjustment, the doctor asked if I'd been in any serious car accidents. At that time, I had not. Then, he inquired about my athleticism. Early on in life I...

OK, I admit that I need to resist scrolling down my yahoo homepage to read my horoscope. I don't even recall adding it when I set the page up years ago. Maybe it is a default feature. I've had fun with it as it has been fodder for my writing. The horrible scopes give me something playful to share rather than the more intimate details. It's not that I have nothing going on that isn't worthy of being shared, but I've elected to let some facets of my life remain private. I fear jinxing myself by talking too much. Maybe I am a bit more stupidsticious, after all. Therefore, reading horoscopes isn't necessarily out of the realm of my brain function. With that being said, I'm sharing another astrological prognostication. In the last two days my horoscope told me to go out and be my charming self, but not to abuse the power that is my innate being. WOO! They went so far as telling me to teach the youth on how to properly utilize charm. Today puts a screech...

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hold the phone. My panties are in a bunch. I only learned yesterday that I had charm oozing from every pore and orifice of my being and now, today, I'm told I have to teach the children well? That's a mighty daunting task. Not to mention I think permission slips would probably be required signed by the parent or guardian and notarized by a public official. Me schooling youngsters on the how to be charming is like Sharon Osborne teaching a busload of skanks how to behave like ladies. Oh. Wait. VH-1 did attempt that. TRAIN WRECK! Anyway, I digress. Here's what this boils down to: " You've been trying to taper your innate charm, but it certainly hasn't been easy. As with all else you do, however, once you get started, you're only steps away from being an expert. Now that you've learned, you might actually be so good at it, and you'll start passing out advice to others. Lend your expertise first to the young ones. " Lend my ex...