Rapier's Wit

No. The Rapier household does not have a washer and dryer yet. The water that comes into my house is rusty. I don't want discolored whites. Orange, in this case, is not the new black. The plumbing and water heater are all relatively new. The pipes from the main water line to the house, however, is as old as running water, I am told. So, with that in mind, I do not invest in the modern convenience of having the units in my rental home. And no, I don't want to buy additional laundry additives that takes the rust out of the wash water. I did that when we lived in the country and it ruined my cottons. Sheesh. For your viewing pleasure. He was not at the laundromat today. He's on loan from LovingMaleModels on Instagram Today was a much needed laundry day. The idea of spending my first weekend off in over six weeks (last weekend) in a laundromat held absolutely zero appeal. Additionally, the weekends are the busiest time of the week to visit said laund-O-rama. Being there d...

What else is there to do on the day after Mother's day other than video blogging? I could have written some things down ... earnest things ... but the mood wasn't there. Instead, I give you the following. I felt redemption was in order regarding my aesthetic in the above video. Just watch and I explain. Sort of. Kinda

Right to the point: I'm a girl who has needed a check up from the neck up. Thumbing through the Yellow Pages for a shrink isn't what is inferred. Although, that would probably do me a world of good. After all, there are plenty of reasons for the manner in which I act and react to situations in my life. Knee jerk reactions that often leaving me wishing I was someone else. Stop. The eight sided, fire engine red sign is held up in my mind. Maybe it is progress that I'm capable of catching my negative responses to even the simplest things. However ... you knew this was coming, right? This past week has been very trying. Why? Well, facing my increasing age is not something that weighs heavily on my mind.  Getting older means I'm still here on planet Earth.  Good, right? Yes, but as a woman it's often a battle of the hormones. Guys, this might be the point where you wince or stop reading.  It is your decision, but it could get graphic.  I'm writing this ...

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching we're reminded that it's not about an endless buffet of food, football and sleeping on the couch in an upright position with our pants unbuttoned. Nor is it about plotting and planning the insanity that is shopping on Black Friday.  No. We're supposed to count our blessings and remind ourselves of the sacrificed our forefathers made to build this country -- and to give thanks to the Native Americans who were duped into giving it all away, but I digress.  All you history majors just put a lid on it. I'm on a roll like Bluto in Animal House. But I like to be a visionary.  I don't want to blather on about the typical thankfulness for my family, health, friends and roof over my head. Isn't that a given? Gratitude is tallied up daily for all the things I do possess. It would be too predictable for me to wish for world peace, the end to hunger and prejudice -- this isn't a beauty pageant, after all. Don't get all high an...

Handerpants ! Handerpants !! HANDERPANTS !!! Great for the aspiring magician, magician's assistant, booger flicker, gardener, weed wacking (not recommended for other wacking -- the cotton is soft, but not that soft -- wink wink .) Folks, this is for real. It's no Chia Pet or Pet Rock, but wouldn't it make a perfect stocking stuffer for that friend who has it all? And while you're wasting your money, order a Snuggie! What a great companion piece :P

This was originally written 2 years ago before this blog was up and running.  I sat at the computer with nothing more than a photo of the costume I wish I could wear on Halloween.  The rest, as they say, is fiction ... or was it? So, I had been perusing Halloween costumes online. They always show these very thin women dressed in the sexy outfits. Some ads will say "Plus Sizes Available." Oh groovy! However, they don't often show what a pleasantly plump, fully bosomed woman looks like in said 'plus size' costume. It's a harsh reality when you take the "bar wench" costume from it's hermetically sealed plastic wrap. You attempt to work out the creases and folds from the acrylic fabric in a steamy shower. You use all the hot water trying to fill the bathroom with enough steam to iron it out. To no avail you're left with, at best, a slightly damp wrinkled garment. While donning your flesh tone 18-hour bra and granny panties, you slip into yo...

This morning I dragged myself from the coziness of my comforter to haul sorted laundry to the laundromat that is only 2 blocks from my house. Knowing that the place opened at 7 AM, I wanted to be first to claim the large washers. Forgive me father for I have soiled. It has been two weeks since my last tumble and fold. In the tiny wash and fold establishment there are only 8 regular capacity washers and 2 triple capacity units. Each washer has a matching size dryer. Without question, this place is not intended for two week's worth of dirty loads from a family of eight including bedding. I represent a family of two. I left the bedding for another day. When I arrived, no one else was there. That was my intention. With swift motions the two large capacity washers were loaded. By the time I was shoving the last sock in the second washer, a couple had come in. With several other washers open for use, the woman placed her baskets in the same small area where I'd occupied. M...

Dear Yahoo horoscope-bullshit blatherer, Please stop presuming that every one has a lover or significant other. These assumptions discredit your already questionable skills as a prognosticator. For those of us who aren't so lucky in love it is truly irritating. Quite frankly, I'm becoming rather pissed off. I was once amused by your keen ability to be vague yet ballparkishly correct. Today's horoscope for Leos is just over the top and hits me in my already frail ego. As a result, I am forced to express this sentiment with the voracity of 1000 PMSing women unable to obtain chocolate. To you, I say, suck it! " It's all about you today -- and your lover will no doubt prove it to you from the moment you open your eyes. Since you've been planning an equally wonderful surprise for them, of course, there's no reason to feel guilty about being so spoiled. Besides, who in their right mind wouldn't make a fuss over you? " PS. Remember I'm a lion. I ...

Today was laundry day. I failed to bring with me a book or some other reading material. I knew boredom would set in as I listened to the washer spin and dryers tumble. Everyone who normally occupies the laundromat on Tuesday hadn't arrived. No one to amuse me with their nonsense banter which I'd attempt to ignore or be annoyed by. There is never, ever, ever any reading material left behind by other patrons. Not even as much as a classified ad. As I poured fabric softener into the wash, what did I spy with my little eye? Reader's Digest . Hoo-to-the-ray! I don't know about you, but I tend to thumb through a magazine by starting from the back. In RD, that means the feature The Last Laugh is my first laugh. As I backwardly flicked the pages, I stumbled upon the section called Quotes. This edition referenced a particular subject that caused that proverbial light bulb to off on over my noggin. Why? Let me cryptically explain (can't go into detail -- work stu...

Nothing speaks to me at this time better than "Sorcerer" from Streets of Fire. Oh, you don't know that little number? It's a good one. Diane Lane's character sings it. Marilyn Martin was the actual voice while Stevie "Elmer Fudd in a Juicer" Nicks sang back up vocals. Stevie wrote the song, by the way. Marilyn's name might be more familiar coupled with Phil Collins on the song "Separate Lives" from the film White Nights starring Mikhail Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines. The soundtrack for Streets of Fire is worth picking up. Seriously! The movie is totally campy, but sometimes superb soundtracks come from the bowels of craptastic flicks. It's overflowing with vocal fakers. The fabled Sorels dance and mouth "I Can Dream About You" while uber caucasian Dan Hartman really did the work. Hmmmm Diane Lane lip syncs in Streets of Fire as Ellen Aim. Michael Pare' co-stars as the gun toting bad ass out to be her rescuer when s...

If I could punch a movie in the face ... Yes, I am a volatile person. I have potential to be, that is. I keep the violence contained in my head and don't let it travel to my fists, but rest assured if I ever unleash all this pent up fire beneath it will be a hailstorm of fury that'll make Chuck Norris seem like a whimpering pussy. It has been said that when I'm passionate about something I give it full on support. Likewise, when I despise something, I am equally passionate in my disgust and distaste for the subject matter. That includes people. So, watch out! In the last installment, I revealed the winners of the punch in the pie hole. For review you can go here to see the winners along with my reasoning (quite honestly I don't think I have to justify anything. I just hate the movies.). While I compile this next list, I am torturing myself as St. Elmo's Fire churns out it's shittastic dialogue on AMC. It basically has tossed kerosene on the fire. So, wit...

A week ago today it was raining. It was also my day off and Father's Day. Did I mention the weather sucked? Rather than go lounge in my sister's pool, Mancub and I ventured out for lunch and a movie. Initially we had intended on seeing ... I can't remember. But we were late for the starting time and I'm one of those people who prefers arriving early. I need to be settled in to view the flick and not rushing in the dark theater only to trip over some dipwad's big foot sticking out in the aisle. Due to the time circumstance we watched Land of the Lost. It's a complete sidestep from the television series. However, because it's clear that I have a 12 year old boy's sense of humor, I laughed hysterically right along with Mancub. The work week was pretty typical. Sadly, the economy is taking a toll on business. I'm grateful to be working full-time (a relative term since full-time is considered working 30 hours.) and my benefits remain intact. Fri...