Rapier's Wit

This post is from August 22, 2010! Man, what a difference 5 years makes. I've been through a lot in that time. One major change is that ... well, the change has occurred and the subject matter of the post below is moot. However, it is amusing to me all the same. I found it while looking through notes posted on Facebook. I didn't realize they existed anymore. I thought Facebook had done away with them long ago. Anyway, enjoy my ramblings about being 45 and facing hormonal changes. Also, enjoy my collar bones and singular chin in the photo to the left. I'd lost over 40 lbs. I'm mega fatter in comparison now. Sadness. Working on that again.  Right to the point: I'm a girl who has needed a check up from the neck up. Thumbing through the Yellow Pages for a shrink isn't what is inferred. Although, that would probably do me a world of good. After all, there are plenty of reasons for the manner in which I act and react to situations in my life. Knee jerk reactions t...

No. The Rapier household does not have a washer and dryer yet. The water that comes into my house is rusty. I don't want discolored whites. Orange, in this case, is not the new black. The plumbing and water heater are all relatively new. The pipes from the main water line to the house, however, is as old as running water, I am told. So, with that in mind, I do not invest in the modern convenience of having the units in my rental home. And no, I don't want to buy additional laundry additives that takes the rust out of the wash water. I did that when we lived in the country and it ruined my cottons. Sheesh. For your viewing pleasure. He was not at the laundromat today. He's on loan from LovingMaleModels on Instagram Today was a much needed laundry day. The idea of spending my first weekend off in over six weeks (last weekend) in a laundromat held absolutely zero appeal. Additionally, the weekends are the busiest time of the week to visit said laund-O-rama. Being there d...

Razors are expensive. If you go to the drugstore or super store, they are in special dispensing shelving units. Some even go so far as having a lock on them. My guess is they are considered a high dollar item that is easily shoved in pockets. Cheap razors delivered to your door are available from a couple different companies. The one that caught my attention is Dollar Shave Club.  The original  commercial was clever. The others that followed were equally humorous. I've been a member for a couple of years. The package I opt for is the four blade razor. That is only $6.00 per shipment. My body hair has never been wild and woolly. If I chose to, I could easily count the hairs on my legs. Ever since chemo, my underarm hair barely exists. Luckily, the hair on my head came back thicker!  OK, so back to shaving. Monthly shipments are unnecessary since I'm far from wolfy. Each shipment received comes with a nifty bathroom reader called The Bathroom Minutes . It is like t...

New Year's Eve is coming up in a couple of days. When one searches on Google random things can pop up. I like this word. . . a lot. Sometimes I experience this. . . then, sadness strikes. One cannot do this alone. Here's to ringing in 2014 kissing my pillow.

The other day I received a wrong number text. Instead of being quick by telling the sender 'wrong number,' I got creative like all those people who end up on Tumblr and Buzz Feed. First, I had to high tail it to Google and search a photo. My initial thought was an image depicting a person excited about cookies. Search: COOKIES Enter the screenshot. Hmmm That photo wasn't going to do the ... WAIT A MINUTE! Wait a cotton pickin' booger flickin' minute! What is Google suggesting as a related search? Let me point it out Who would have thunk to add THAT to cookies or any baked goods. I imagine Martha Stewart sitting at her kitchen counter after a tryst with the gardener or the butcher ... ya know, she's whipping up a post-coital snack to rev back up to go in for a second round...and BAM! What ever could she do with excess semen? You're welcome! Now we both have that disturbing image in our heads. Ho, ho, ho. Here's the screenshot of the te...

The other night while babbling with a friend on the phone we segued into things that annoy us. Some stuff is personally unique while other items are likely commonplace irritants for many. Off the top of my head few things sprang to mind. As the days have marched on I managed to make a mental list.  Oh, you think Thanksgiving Day doesn't seem to be the right day of the year to voice those little things that eat away at me? Ask yourself for as long as you've known me have you seen me follow the typical path? When everyone else is posting heartfelt, earnest posts, I want it to be known that I'm different. If that irks you... oops. You are reading the wrong blog. OK. Shall we commence with the Rissues list of November 2013? Whispering in movies and commercials. I don't know what it is, but it makes me ears bleed... and mother like son. It drives Mancub mad, too. Couples who share a Facebook, social network, email account. You never know which one of them ...

I'm simply going to be honest with you. Until around April of 2010, I had issues. Digestive problems. Now, I know that's not very exciting to talk about, but it's the truth. I chalked it up to getting older. Little by little a list, a long one at that, was made of the foods that agreed with me and didn't bode well once consumed. Quite frankly it became a bit unnerving as I love to enjoy food. While my outlook about eating are healthier and less about feeding my emotions, I still love the flavors, textures and aroma of food. Then along comes Shakeology. All I knew at the time of first purchase, March 2010, was that I held on to the hope it would help me lose weight. It didn't phase me to inquire about ingredients. My Team Beachbody Coach John Hays informed me that it wasn't a bunch of fillers, artificial sweeteners, artificial flavors or colors. Nor does it contain its weight in sugar (like Slim-fast and a host of others on the over-the-counter market)....

The shelves of Wal-Mart, as I entered the store, were lined with one of the most disgusting canned items known to man (besides peas -- am I right, Angie Bailey?) Yams.  Candied yams to be more precise. First, let me say I question the validity of said claims that the item sloshing around in heavy syrup is, indeed, a yam. Hey! Look at the photo. Underneath the word YAM is the truth. Yams and sweet potatoes are not one in the same.  This product is a mushy, detestable glurp in a can. It was a staple side dish at all the Thanksgivings at casa Rapier. Dump the can of candied yams into a casserole dish; cover with a pound of mini marshmallows and bake until golden brown. Yuck! I suppose it comes from the era when it was all a parent could do to get a kid to eat a vegetable so they'd slather it with cheese food or enough sugar to kill and entire nation (and it is) to make it palatable. You may as well give a kid a king size Hershey bar and call it a veggie. It wasn't until I mov...

It is the subject of a lot of yapping on Facebook: Glee's version of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  If you read my post yesterday (of course you did), you're aware that I was disappointed in the casting of the show within the show. I'd given the writers a break by assuming it could have been due to a sub-plot story about censorship or decency.  If you watched the program then you know imposing a safety net on my judgment was correct.  There is no denying that letting a diva-esque girl fill the platforms of Tim Curry as Dr. Frank-N-Furter was a stretch.  My son, who has never seen the original, enjoyed the vocals.  He said he could have done without the ensemble of the patent leather bustier and knee high boots.  I'm still peeved that Magenta's solo in "The Time Warp" went to Quinn (Dianna Agron) rather than the more salacious Santana (Naya Rivera). Hands down she could have given the tune the deviant edge it requires.  Milquetoast has no place in Rock...

It's my day off and I have intentions of doing very little beyond my daily work out and viewing movies on Netflix.  Dinner is being made via the Crock Pot.  Man, what a lovely invention. Thank you Rival company!! Set on low is a pork loin with red potatoes and carrots.  With a little help from low-sodium/low-fat mushroom soup and a sprinkling of various seasoning, I hope for a nutritious and delightful meal by the time GLEE comes on tonight.  It's the Halloween episode where they reinvent "Rocky Horror Picture Show."  I'm a tad hesitant due to the previews that have circulated the Internet.  Quinn as Magenta bothers me.  Her rendition of "Time Warp" is so white bread that it is oozing Hellman's Mayonnaise.  Apparently, the sultry Santana also plays Magenta. They should have left that song up to her. I know! You're gasping that I've criticized my not-so-guilty pleasure show.  My favorite program in the last decade is under fire of my own cri...

Oh, admit it. You've been yearning for more tales from the rinse cycle, haven't you?  Who am I to deny you of that which you crave. It had been too long since I ventured to the land of the never ending quarter depository.  I think each machine should be equipped with a pull handle and spinning cherries, 7's, bars, and other assorted fruit graphics. Often, the risk you take when putting your coins in the washers and dryers isn't too far off from flushing your earnings into the poker slots at Empress Casino.  Worry that the dryer you select may be the one that melts anything not made of cotton even if 'cool' is pressed on the temperature buttons.  You're never sure what was washed previously when you slip the delicates into the wash basin.  For all you know the car detail business next door washed their carnuba wax coated buffer pads in that machine. What's even more risky about doing business at the launderette isn't so much the equipment but the ...

The title of this post is a comment that a friend sent to me on Facebook. I started a Marissology fan page and sent out invites for people to join. I suspect this friend saw new photos of me. The play on words caused me to laugh my ever decreasing tushy off. I won't call him out on it since he did send his thoughts in a private message, but it was just too cute for words not to share. I do havesome BIG! Ginormous!! HUGE-GANTIC!! news to share. Kind of ironic considering the gargantuan news is about something getting smaller.  Yes, another weight loss update. *cartwheel* Today, August 29, 2010 I stepped up on the scale to have it remain for a week solid on ....... never mind the number.  It tells me that I have lost FORTY POUNDS of back fat, booty slap, jiggling cottage cheese and BINGO! wings since my decision to get healthy began with three shakes a day for 3 days with Shakeology on the 3-day Cleanse. It has not been easy.  There is absolutely no sense in tryi...

Right to the point: I'm a girl who has needed a check up from the neck up. Thumbing through the Yellow Pages for a shrink isn't what is inferred. Although, that would probably do me a world of good. After all, there are plenty of reasons for the manner in which I act and react to situations in my life. Knee jerk reactions that often leaving me wishing I was someone else. Stop. The eight sided, fire engine red sign is held up in my mind. Maybe it is progress that I'm capable of catching my negative responses to even the simplest things. However ... you knew this was coming, right? This past week has been very trying. Why? Well, facing my increasing age is not something that weighs heavily on my mind.  Getting older means I'm still here on planet Earth.  Good, right? Yes, but as a woman it's often a battle of the hormones. Guys, this might be the point where you wince or stop reading.  It is your decision, but it could get graphic.  I'm writing this ...

This week I have had to really push myself.  What's funny about that is knowing I can dig a little deeper and push harder.  The weight isn't melting off as I had hoped it would, but I suspect my body is in shock with all the goodness it's receiving.  In response, it's going into salvation mode. However, it will adjust to all the vegetables, fresh fruit and cardio. I have faith that it will. Tracking my food (protein, fat, carbs & calories), water intake, exercise etc... will get me where I want to be. I've totally given up diet sodas! That's such a huge win for me.  Even if I did only lose 1 pound this week, the fact that I didn't drink soda fills me with a great sense of accomplishment. Rather than leaving it up to the programs on the Wii, it's become apparent that I need to rev up my workouts by varying my routines with Beachbody's Turbo Jam , Hip Hop Abs and power walking (the weather has been perfect). I recognize that the soreness I feel ...

I didn't steal any cookies. I bought them as I whisked through the grocery store.  My intention was to buy milk, mixed greens and frozen veggies. What I walked out with was that and so much more. My mistake: Entering a grocery store when hungry and tired. Without thinking twice I grabbed home-style peanut butter cookies. At the check out counter I should have asked the clerk to pull them aside and not put them in my cart. But again, I wasn't thinking clearly for various reasons. This morning, in light of recognizing my error, I divided the cookies, put them in zip closure bags and tossed them in the freezer.  Throwing them out is not an option. Diet and exercise gurus might say otherwise, but I beg to differ. Now, by the time the cookie defrosts, my craving for them might pass.  If I still yearn to nosh on the treats, then I'll enjoy each and every nibble without guilt. This morning marked 1000 calories burned on EA Sports Active 30 Day Challenge.  A virtual ...

While perusing my Facebook profile for new comments, I took note of the numerous aggravating ads that take residence on the right side margin. An X is provided to dismiss the advertisement, but not before answering why you don't like it. As soon as you give them reason, another ad pops up in its place and often more misleading or offensive.  One such ad had a header "Classy Cougars." Uh, whoa. Stop right there. Did that ad just call me a skanky, old broad with a little bit of cash, fake tits and the desire to uber hump 25 year old men only for the thrill of the kill? If you haven't guessed it already, I despise the term COUGAR. Loathe it. Regard it with great contempt. Since it is a made up, social term, I turned to Urban Dictionary to find the common definition of cougar .  Not anywhere on the first page does it describe the woman I am.  Far from it and proudly so. For the record, at the time of posting this there are 100 definitions of the older woman on the pr...

grody fat. 2 lbs gone, baby! February 22nd was the start of getting healthy for not so little me.  With the assistance of EA Sports Active, I manage to burn calories without the embarrassment of people seeing me look like a complete oaf while attempting the moves.  The fortunate thing is that I live in a house rather than an apartment. If that was the case, my downstairs neighbors would most certainly think Illinois was experiencing another 3.8 on the Richter Scale earthquake.  I am not light on my feet. Thus far it's not difficult.  The most challenging part (other than getting up and doing it) is holding the controllers properly so the movements register.  One of the activities is a run/walk/high step interval. If you know my body type, you're fully aware that running isn't an easily executed task. Yes, I need a solid sports bra to help me overcome the current pain I feel in my chesticular zone while running.  Anyway, the inspirational coach (a female ...

As a gift to myself, I mentioned on February 15th that I bought the EA Sports Active program for the Wii. Prior to buying it I had been sick.  Even though I've managed to feel better, my lungs weren't up to the challenge. Or, at least that is the story I was feeding myself while indulging on crap-food.  The subconscious Marissa was fighting the pending launch back into a healthier lifestyle.  My subconscious alter-ego is ultra lazy and craves junk food.  While I do not crave or love sweets, that chubby nitwit devours them before the conscious me is aware. I'm sure she has chloroform in her arsenal in which to render the smart me into a delirious haze of submission. With all the chips out of the house, Monday is a new week.  Today, I tore into the cellophane of the EA program like Charlie Bucket tears into that Wonka Bar.  Being excited, even if feigned, helps the endeavor along.  At least for me.  Naturally, I wouldn't be able to perform the req...

Yesterday I lamented how it seems in the world of dating I am a poster child for Murphy's Law.  Thanks to the Internet, we're now (and have been) able to meet people around the globe.  No longer do we have to wait for happenstance to introduce us -- vacations, business trips, etc...Simply log on to a social network and the doors of hospitality open. It's a work in progress and who knows how it will all unfold. hmmm I wonder how I can incorporate a vacation with Mancub into the mix :)  Now, for the stupidstitious thing that left me with a smackerel feeling of angst.  Mancub and I went out for some low key retail therapy.  It's unusual for me to indulge in this sort of activity. In typical fashion, I spent the majority on the boy.  Target had some cool, vintage looking t-shirts. He selected Captain America and Ghostbusters shirts. I got a hypoallergenic eyeliner (woo! big spender) and stocked up on allergy meds and the like.  I'm a maniac!  In a...

I know that my head hasn't increased in size nor has anyone filled it with helium; yet, it feels like one of those big Spongebob party balloons complete with springy tissue paper legs. My body is sitting here while my noggin' is be-boppin' on the other side of the room. All I want to do is sleep. My system is rather sensitive to cold medicines. That includes the non-drowsy variety. The result is the zombification of Miss Riss. Thankfully, one of my co-workers is covering my shift for me tonight. Truly, I couldn't see getting up the energy to work. Quite literally, my face aches. With itchy, burning eyes and an adorable hack when I cough, I'm sure they're grateful that I'm remaining at home to wither and moan. The other day I left work early. My nose was so red and raw that I looked as pathetic as I felt.  Neo-sporin has helped heal my shnoz and upper lip. Puffs infused with soothing aloe lotion have been a saving grace in all of this. The downside is that ...