Rapier's Wit

A week and a half ago I awoke with pain in my jaw. More specifically, my tooth. This particular tooth has a crown, which by no means equals royalty of the molar world. In the past it has given me a bit of issue, but nothing alarming. X-rays would indicate it was just me clenching my jaw when I slept.In the past, my dentist would readjust it to suit my goofy bite. So, my chemotherapy treatments are scheduled on Wednesdays. Every Wednesday. The treatment I was due to receive is what I call the mega-dyna-whoppin' treatment. That one packs a wallop. Before getting that treatment blood work is done and I meet with my oncologist or nurse practitioner to have vitals checked and to discuss the blood work results. If the stars are aligned then treatment is a go. Sadly, my platelets were not high enough to safely deliver the infusion. So, it had to be postponed. The lighter of the treatments was given with hopes the following week my platelets would be higher. Enter funky tooth. A visit ...

The other day I received a wrong number text. Instead of being quick by telling the sender 'wrong number,' I got creative like all those people who end up on Tumblr and Buzz Feed. First, I had to high tail it to Google and search a photo. My initial thought was an image depicting a person excited about cookies. Search: COOKIES Enter the screenshot. Hmmm That photo wasn't going to do the ... WAIT A MINUTE! Wait a cotton pickin' booger flickin' minute! What is Google suggesting as a related search? Let me point it out Who would have thunk to add THAT to cookies or any baked goods. I imagine Martha Stewart sitting at her kitchen counter after a tryst with the gardener or the butcher ... ya know, she's whipping up a post-coital snack to rev back up to go in for a second round...and BAM! What ever could she do with excess semen? You're welcome! Now we both have that disturbing image in our heads. Ho, ho, ho. Here's the screenshot of the te...

The other night while babbling with a friend on the phone we segued into things that annoy us. Some stuff is personally unique while other items are likely commonplace irritants for many. Off the top of my head few things sprang to mind. As the days have marched on I managed to make a mental list.  Oh, you think Thanksgiving Day doesn't seem to be the right day of the year to voice those little things that eat away at me? Ask yourself for as long as you've known me have you seen me follow the typical path? When everyone else is posting heartfelt, earnest posts, I want it to be known that I'm different. If that irks you... oops. You are reading the wrong blog. OK. Shall we commence with the Rissues list of November 2013? Whispering in movies and commercials. I don't know what it is, but it makes me ears bleed... and mother like son. It drives Mancub mad, too. Couples who share a Facebook, social network, email account. You never know which one of them ...

Do you have a scar on your body that you can't recollect how it got there? With all the falls, scrapes, and injuries I've had in my lifetime I am surprised more scars don't exist. On one occasion when it was warm enough this summer to bask in the sunshine to get my dose of Vitamin D, I sat with my leg propped up on my knee. You know, because all the cool kids have imperfect, uneven tan lines. Anywho... While my leg was propped on my knee, I noticed this scar and fully recall how it got there. It's not like that scene from Lethal Weapon 3 where Renee Russo and Mel Gibson compare battle scars: So, this is the battle scar in question It has faded dramatically in the 37 years it has been a part of me. Any guess on how I got it? I bet no one will guess correctly.

What else is there to do on the day after Mother's day other than video blogging? I could have written some things down ... earnest things ... but the mood wasn't there. Instead, I give you the following. I felt redemption was in order regarding my aesthetic in the above video. Just watch and I explain. Sort of. Kinda

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gu1lBlR1858

The title of this post is nearly longer than the actual post itself.  When my friend Clark Brooks asked me to guest blog for him earlier this month I thought there was no possible way I could possibly fill in for him.  Clark is unique in his writing style.  That is intended as a form of flattery.  His ability to take what one might consider a mundane observation and turn it into an entire blog entry leaves me awe stricken.  Without a thought of what I'd write about, I sat here at my eight or more year old Dell computer handed down to me by the sister of a good friend when she got all fancy shmancy by upgrading to a Mac.  What transpired is pure gold.  It's as if the spirit of F. Scott Fitzgerald overcame me and my deep seated mental issues became my muse.  Please, go to Clark's blog, aptly titled, Ridiculously Inconsistent Trickle of Consciousness and read my entry.  But do not stop there. Peruse his other mindless ... err, well thought out...

Rather than being that little steam engine who chug-a-chug-a choo choos its way up the mountain and glides down when it reaches the other side, I blast full steam ahead into a new project.  What happens when you blow your wad of excitement and energy at the beginning of the race? You haven't anything left to finish it.  In school I was always great at sprints and hurdles in physical education.  It's surprising that ability never encouraged me to try out for the track team.  Long distance running was not my forte.  My life, in general, embraces a similar facet of junior high school P.E.  I get really passionate and excited about an endeavor only to not give a rat's ass about it just as I start to turn a corner.  There are literally three books and two audio books that were tapped into months ago and I've yet to finish them.  Short term goals and I get along famously. Another tid-bit about Miss Riss that I recognize is this: If progress isn't ap...

Rissy is so spaced out.  Today has been nothing but a challenge for me to keep focused.  I have no idea what is going on in my head.  It would be easy to use allergies as a scape goat.  PMS has come and gone. So, that's a no go.  Besides, I read on the back of my tampon box that women are prone to heightened intelligence when they are menstruating.  TMI? Get over it. You're on my turf, baby. At work there was an overwhelming cacophony; stimulus overload. Several voices entwined with a new printer alarm, machinery being operated, phones ringing, fax machines tweeting and buzzing. Add that to the droning sounds of monotonous pop radio.  Egads! I wanted to scream at everyone in my path like Sister Mary Elephant.  Seriously. My pulse was racing. All I wanted to do was run.  RUN AWAY from all the noise and discord of the day.  This week has been emotional for me.  Apparently my status updates on Facebook had a couple of my friends co...

I haven't kept it a secret that my 45th birthday is approaching.  Yes, I'm still pushing for it to be a national holiday.  Hey! Lofty dreams aren't a crime.  It's a rarity for the scenarios that happen in my noggin to occur in real life. Therefore, I know I won't awaken to find a loin clothed hotty serving me breakfast in bed nor will that be followed with a chauffeured escort to a spa where I'll receive my first ever full body massage -- happy ending optional.  Instead, my day will consist of one known detail: I have to renew my driver's license. It didn't dawn on me until last night that this is the year it expires.  How often do you look at your state ID? The only reason my peepers got a look at mine is because I took it from its hermetically sealed entrapment in my wallet.  Why? Because, now don't laugh too hard, I was going out and thought some silly ass might card me.  Shut! UP! The signs behind the bars always say if you don't look 99 ...

Last night I slept peacefully after spending nearly four and a half hours floating on a raft on the lazy river at our local water attraction.  To answer inquiring minds, yes, I wore my sunscreen.  I'd fallen asleep in the recliner watching telly with Mancub.  I think I mosied upstairs around 10:30 and zonked out the second my head made contact with the Egyptian cotton. Anywho, it wasn't until I woke up at some point in the weewee hours of the morning that my sleep was disrupted. Mind you, it didn't take long for me to get back to sleep. Typically, I am up by 6AM.  At the latest, 6:30AM.  Not on this Saturday when clock in time at work was 9AM.  I awoke at 8AM!!! Holy alarm clocks, Batman! That's not the news.  What is even more odd than me sleeping in was the dream I had minutes before waking up startled by the time on the digital clock.  What I recall of the dream is that I was bestest friends with this young man . Click the link and come bac...

Morning comes too early for me on most days.  I go to bed at a reasonable hour mainly due to the fact that even if I turn in late, dawn breaks and pushes my tuchus out of bed regardless of how exhausted I may be.  It sucks.  On rare occasions sleep will resume after a trip to the bathroom, but those instances are much like trying to catch a shooting star.  You see, my brain clicks on with the light of day and I'm unable to shut it down. You could say my mind has a mind of its own.  And lately, I have had too much on my mind ... excessive amounts of what ifs and why nots. As I announced in my previous post, I have a young man staying with me for the majority of the summer.  He has family locally who are making plans with him, but Maison du Rissa is the base camp.  His comfort and happiness are partial contributors to my brain running on over time.  Giving him the unquestionable sense that he is welcome and loved is a priority.  He's still ad...

This is one of those times where the random thoughts have been firing like Al Capone's Tommy Guns at the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. Here are a few for your reading enjoyment: My underpants are getting baggy. "Stop being so passionate about your newfound passion! You're perceived as a spazmatronic dipshit. Relax" -- inner voices Am I really telepathic or is he? I'd rather hear Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels singing "Mockingbird" than listen to Fantasia Cashew butter or peanut butter? BOTH! " Arrested Development " never should have been canceled. Idiots Seriously, women will pay to watch sequel of that schlock? Does Danielle Steel still write books? When did " Glamour " magazine become " Seventeen " -- oh shit, I'm just that old. Note to self: Do NOT attempt to wear ShapeUps when working out. Her hair looks like it was hit with a paint ball gun filled with peroxide pellets. Meow, calico kitty, meow! Mar...

Yep. That's exactly how I'm feeling right now.  It's just like how you click shuffle on your iPod. Only, each time I blink a new thought comes to mind -- thoughts that cause me to appear scatterbrained.  For instance, my work schedule is prominently posted on the refrigerator. Yet, twice this week I showed up at the wrong time.  The first time I was 1.5 hours early.  The next day I was 1/2 hour late.  Argh! I'll admit that I often push the envelope when arriving to work on time, but to completely be unaware is not common. Fortunately, all has been forgiven by the powers that be. What's the cause of this mental flightiness? I've been working out regularly with Power 90.  My diet is better than it has been in ... my entire lifetime!! Shakeology has helped me kick the nasty habit of consuming fast-food/processed foods and diet soda.  You'd think with all of that I'd be alert and on top of my game.  **head scratch** I believe this requires s...

bingo Free chat Adam Lambert mentors. He didn't win Idol. But with this season being so weird, it makes perfect sense for him to do so.  I wonder what he'll do with Siobhan.

online bingo Free chat Make up a chat name and let's go! Put on your snarking caps and let's unleash everything we hate (and love to hate) about American Idol.

Competitive Caterwauling with a purpose and a whole lot of Autotune. With that being said, it is for a noble cause and the people of Haiti will benefit greatly. You donate your money in any way you choose. There's a link for another worthy cause in the right margin of this blog. Some people may love the song because their favorite artist has a solo.  Some might enjoy the video for the pure entertainment value. For me, it's simply something you can't UNhear. All the Q-tips in the world can't remove the memory of it from my ears.  That's not to say every performer is sub-par. No, actually some of them are quite talented singers on their own, but it seems it was forgotten that this was supposed to be a group effort. I know many of the parts were done separately. They had stand ins wear green so actors and singers could be later added for the video to fill those spots.  You have to love the frills and thrills of modern technology. Immediately after viewing the video...

Yesterday morning I woke myself by coughing. Not a little baby cough. It was one of those that starts at the toes and hurtles your body into a convulsion robbing you of all the oxygen in your lungs ... zoinks. What the hell and where did it come from?  Needless to say, I went back to bed.  Rinse and repeat today.  I feel OK until the urge to cough comes along. Then, I know that relative OK-ness will be sent packing and I hack and gag like the filterless Lucky Strike chain smoking lady with the hole in her throat. Mmmm is that a hunk of lung I see? Oof! In totally unrelated news, here are two of my favorite sketches from shows no longer in production.

Once again, it's time for What's Inside Marissa's Head ? In the inaugural post on this subject matter I suggested Rambling thoughts for a babbling babe . I prefer the new title. Let's move on, shall we? Luckily for people around me, most of these thoughts are filtered.  OK, no lies. I do blurt them out depending on who is around me. Some of the funniest things ever said are said at work between my favorite lab buddy. Unfortunately, the humor in those anecdotes would be lost in translation. From Wildhair Dear Fantasia: Please don't speak. Your voice is like ... ack. Just stop. ps. I don't like your singing, either. Lip liner should never match the soles of your shoes. Wow! Who'd fuck Heidi Fleiss now? Tom Sizemore, that's who. Yeeeech! Do boogers build up on nose rings? Facial piercings look like zits and ginormous skin tags. Sour cherry balls I am your bitch. yum. yum. Hummus? More like yumm-us! Why are librarians depicted as hair up, horn r...

One thing people should never ask me is where my thoughts come from. Sometimes crazy stuff just pops into my head and blurt! My internal filter often malfunctions. Without asking for opinion, I do believe I'm getting better at biting my lip. With that being said, here are some random thoughts that jumped into my head thus far today: Valentine's Day is coming up. Should I bother shaving my legs? The whites of these organic eggs look vaguely familiar...are we sure they aren't orgasmic eggs? Why are the hairs on my chin course and whiter than white? Why do I change the ring tones on my phone? They are rarely utilized. Did I really babble and giggle for 1.5 hours? I should write a note of apology Man! My hands are really ugly Oh bloody hell! Someone needs to suck up the imposter lady bug carcasses. I wish I was cooler than being cool. Pretty brides in pretty dresses. Bitches. If I could fly I'd be there for lunch. There you have it. Perhaps I should keep jou...