Rapier's Wit

This post is from August 22, 2010! Man, what a difference 5 years makes. I've been through a lot in that time. One major change is that ... well, the change has occurred and the subject matter of the post below is moot. However, it is amusing to me all the same. I found it while looking through notes posted on Facebook. I didn't realize they existed anymore. I thought Facebook had done away with them long ago. Anyway, enjoy my ramblings about being 45 and facing hormonal changes. Also, enjoy my collar bones and singular chin in the photo to the left. I'd lost over 40 lbs. I'm mega fatter in comparison now. Sadness. Working on that again.  Right to the point: I'm a girl who has needed a check up from the neck up. Thumbing through the Yellow Pages for a shrink isn't what is inferred. Although, that would probably do me a world of good. After all, there are plenty of reasons for the manner in which I act and react to situations in my life. Knee jerk reactions t...

The other day I questioned why this blog sits empty more and more. Then, it hit me. Twitter and Facebook. You see, what used to be the topics of babbling on the blog have become 140 character mind bytes. Then, if those meandering thoughts and opinions strike a chord or nerve with those who read them, they'll comment, like or just ignore. Immediate gratification. I tweet it. Boom!  The thoughts and ideas vamoose leaving me with nothing else to say... well, nothing more than 140 characters. I miss this. You know, putting words together to form sentences that create paragraphs. Sure, my grammar is often questionable. The good news for me is that I don't give a shit. HA! The good news for you is that I know the majority of lessons we learned in primary school. Do not request that I diagram a sentence. We learned that in 8th grade when I had a language arts teacher nicknamed Bubbles. The hormonally charged class spent so much time psychologically tormenting the extremely sensi...

I realize that nothing has been posted here since November 16. Five days! In blog days that's like a months.  Sorry. I've been preoccupied with work.  Not to mention there really isn't anything interesting or amusing taking place in the House of 'Riss. I'm working out regularly.  Oh yeah, that's not news.  I paid a visit to Kankakee Natural Foods . It is not nearly as vast as Whole Foods that all my friends seem to be enamored with, but it's a nice little store with all the essentials. It'll be a cold day before this community sees the likes of Whole Foods, me thinks. Wal-Mart is simply no place to find the best in natural or organic foods.  That's not to say I'm a health freak/warrior.  But variety of tofu is not readily available at the mega-mart.  Nor is coconut nectar, coconut juice etc... Now that you've come to my blog aren't you happy I haven't been blogging lately? Seriously, could I be more boring?  When my day off final...

The title of this post is nearly longer than the actual post itself.  When my friend Clark Brooks asked me to guest blog for him earlier this month I thought there was no possible way I could possibly fill in for him.  Clark is unique in his writing style.  That is intended as a form of flattery.  His ability to take what one might consider a mundane observation and turn it into an entire blog entry leaves me awe stricken.  Without a thought of what I'd write about, I sat here at my eight or more year old Dell computer handed down to me by the sister of a good friend when she got all fancy shmancy by upgrading to a Mac.  What transpired is pure gold.  It's as if the spirit of F. Scott Fitzgerald overcame me and my deep seated mental issues became my muse.  Please, go to Clark's blog, aptly titled, Ridiculously Inconsistent Trickle of Consciousness and read my entry.  But do not stop there. Peruse his other mindless ... err, well thought out...

Wisconsin is getting battered with massive snow. Here in Kankakee we were pelted with freezing rain. I offer you proof from my own front door. When I first attempted to open my front door at 7:30 a.m., I realized the inch or so of ice had blocked me in. Thanks to Gary the Garden Gnome and his magic rock salt, I was successful in stepping out at 9:30 a.m. I'm actually a little sad because that was going to be my number one lame excuse for why I was unable to get to work. The bottom photos were snapped from my icy prison. That explains the raindrops you see. Frozen on the glass, mind you. When I was on the porch taking these photos in my pajamas, I heard branches falling in the distance. I nearly pooed myself when a top branch broke and fell from the willow tree that lumbers over the garage. Fortunately, it isn't a big branch and didn't hit the garage roof. My car is parked in there. Brainstorm! My garage probably won't open due to the ice build up. I may ge...

This week has been weird. I'm pretty much in full on snark, kiss my ass mode. I've had to refrain from expelling it at work after having taken an online human resource course. Mandatory, mind you. Apparently I'm considered a supervisor. Go me. I'm a supervisor when it's convenient. Again, go me. Needless to say, due to said HR seminar, I am watching my p's and q's. Man, it's hard. For a girl who consistently mutters the f-bomb under her breath, I'm a freakin' atom bomb waiting to explode. I rattle off a stream of expletives when people get on my last nerve. At work, that doesn't take long. I keep it low and I'm pretty sure no one actually hears me call them asshatmoronstupidmutherfuckingdipshit. I know, I know. My blog is usually very family friendly. Well, it's at least mostly PG-13 to PG. But damn it, I'm sick of holding my tongue. I am comfortable stating that my workplace is the antithesis of Disney World. Happiest place on Ea...

National Blog Posting Month . I'm participating. I figure it'll be a challenge. The challenge for me is remembering that I signed on to do it. OY! I'm not going to post everything I write there on here, but I am going to share with you a very short lived saga of Ah-Dumb. Here's how the memory of this man came to coincide with NaBloPoMo. I must stress that I am a bit wiser regarding dating ...particularly those men I've met on the Internet. DAY ONE November 1 I wasn't sure if I wanted to join in on this phenomenon called NaBloPoMo. I'm not one who lives up to committments to non-living things. When it comes to writing on my blog I consider myself whimsical. I don't plot out what I'm going to do daily. I write by inspiration. I've gone countless days without putting up a post. I like being unpredictable in my writing because I'm so predictable in my daily life. This will most certainly be a challenge. When I awoke this morning I had someone o...

Onomatopoeia. What makes it so striking is that, by definition, it means: the naming of a thing or action by a vocal imitation of the sound associated with it (as buzz, hiss ) . For such a lengthy and difficult word to spell, onomatopoeia is one of my favorite words. I subscribe to Grammar Girl's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing . You probably can't tell by my writing that I am an avid reader and loyal note taker of Grammar Girl Mignon Fogarty's website. However, I do. I am. I try. Each week I receive an email focusing on one grammar do or don't. Sometimes these pointers are rather mundane, but helpful (oft times, the most boring details deliver the greatest punch). This week's spotlight item really caught my eye. It's so fantabulous that I had to share it with my utterly groovilicious blogging pals. Web-logging and learning all in one hit. Would that be blearning? Portmanteau Words "Last week the Make-It-Green Girl did a show about smog, which made ...

This is a new spot on the 'Net where you can get a fix. What makes it so incredibly unique is that it's all in the family. My family, to be more precise. I'm one of 10 children. Our father enjoyed writing and did so with great verve. He had many opinions and had no issue with putting pen to paper and sharing them. My sister Mary felt we all have a bit of that writing bug (who would have guessed?) So, she took it upon herself to bring us all together under one roof. My particular specialty on the menu is called, " Marissa's Tantalizing Tray of Tarts " -- quite fitting, no? There, I'll share many of the views and insights you see here including pop culture ala mode! -- Retro Refreshments , if you will. Our family diner is new and we're getting our feel for the surroundings. Like any new establishment, it relies on the input of its patrons. Like what you see? Make sure you come back again and bring plenty of friends. Think something is missing...

Somethings I know to be true. This is one of them: Women check out other women. In this photo, I believe Sophia Loren is checking out the bedangling breasticles of Jane Mansfield or some other heart break of a story platinum blonde from Hollywood gone by. We can't help it. I have a heapin' helping of the mamms and I still look at the protuberances on other women. I don't envy their size. However, I might give a discreet eye roll to those I can detect are enhanced. Or, I might wearily wish my girls could remain 'way up firm and high.' Ten months of breast feeding Man-cub took a toll on Thelma and Louise. Because I don't have glorious gams I tend to gaze upon women who do have legs worth celebrating. My legs are long. To quote Steve Urkel, "she has legs that go alllll the way to the floor." Seriously, I do have long legs. Sadly, genetics cursed me with hefty thighs, knobby, fat knees and calves that would better suit a ham hock. Shorts are demonic fashio...

I totally pilfered this from Citizen Jane (she's the muse for the day, I guess). A meme to peel away the layers of you. LAYER ONE : Name : Marissa aka Miss Riss Birth date : August 11* Birthplace : Illinois* Current Location : Illinois* Eye Color : Green* Hair Color : Naturally: Dark Brown ... currently: Honey Brown* Height : 5'11"* Righty or Lefty : Righty* Zodiac Sign: Leo LAYER TWO * Your heritage : German/Irish/Cherokee* The shoes you wore today : Slippers* Your weakness : I'm super woman I have no weaknesses... except for that charming, witty, tells a good tale sort of man. Oh, and McDonald's fries.* Your fears : Losing my son* Your perfect pizza : Loaded with veggies and cheese. Medium thick crust. * Personal goals you'd like to achieve :To lose this extra weight so I can be a healthier more active person. To always be a good influence on my child. Become a better writer. LAYER THREE * Your most overused phrases on IM : Groovy, F*ckin' idiot Your ...

In 1999 I found myself newly single and totally out of my element regarding dating. I'm not one of those girls who finds herself drowning in male suitors. I'm also inclined to have more male friends and acquaintances than female. Men do not fix up their chick friends with guys they know. It was once explained to me that guy friends don't do this because it will cause one of two things to happen (possibly both): 1. Should the female friend ever get drunk enough to have friendly sex with him , it surely won't happen if she's dating one of his friends. 2. If things don't work out, he might lose a really good friend or two. I sought out attention and possible dates via the Internet. I was broke and unwilling to pay to put my mug on a dating website. That left me trolling the AOL chat rooms. I had various screen names. I learned that having anything with sexy, hot, gr8, etc in your name was a sure fire exclamation from chat roomies yelling, err, typing in caps PICS? ...