Saturday, September 19, 2009

Charm School

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hold the phone. My panties are in a bunch.

I only learned yesterday that I had charm oozing from every pore and orifice of my being and now, today, I'm told I have to teach the children well? That's a mighty daunting task. Not to mention I think permission slips would probably be required signed by the parent or guardian and notarized by a public official.

Me schooling youngsters on the how to be charming is like Sharon Osborne teaching a busload of skanks how to behave like ladies. Oh. Wait. VH-1 did attempt that. TRAIN WRECK! Anyway, I digress.

Here's what this boils down to:
"You've been trying to taper your innate charm, but it certainly hasn't been easy. As with all else you do, however, once you get started, you're only steps away from being an expert. Now that you've learned, you might actually be so good at it, and you'll start passing out advice to others. Lend your expertise first to the young ones."
Lend my expertise to the young ones? What the hell does that mean? How am I supposed to teach something I know little about? Who is going to sign up for my 'artistry of charm' course? Quite frankly, that sounds ... creepy. I nearly throw up when I'm encountered by the opposite sex. I thought it was due to lack of ability. Now I'm wondering if it's not from having backed up sensuality -- much like a sink or septic tank gets backed up. Uhh, not a great analogy. I don't stink. The point is that I've not been exuding my "innate charm." I think it's having the opposite effect on those I encounter.

Maybe I could move to Texas and start a charm school for those little tiara donning, tantrum tossing tots I see on TLC's program about pageantry for youngsters. Yeah. I could be rich! Those frickin' psychopathic parents will pay big bucks for their primary princesses to have potential of taking home a crown that outweighs them. Put down the Botox needles, lipstick and hair weaves Big Mama! All your kid needs to win is me. No, seriously, that is some scary shit.

Hmmm to use my powers for good or personal gain. Oh! I am so cursed to be born so bewildering and bewitching!!! Woe is me. I cannot unleash my powers on the youth. That's just reckless. And creepy. Totally creepy.

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