Friday, January 23, 2009

Getting to know you. Getting to know all about poo

My mother was a big promoter of poop. She wasn't one to fling poo. In fact, I am quite certain her shit didn't stink. Don't turn away and act righteous. Everybody poops. It's a necessary bodily function. In fact, if you aren't doing it then you have bigger problems than being easily offended by a shitty blog post.

Whenever I complained of a belly ache, her question would be, "Have you pooped today?" If I groaned over a headache, her reply would be, "You probably need to poop." If any of us were remotely gassy and incessantly leaving stinkers (she forbid the word fart in our household) the suggestion would be, "you need to go poop."

I had always considered my mother's fecal matter queries to be odd. The reason I think her poop didn't smell was due to having no recollection that she did, in fact, have bowel movements. She died of cancer at age 51.

It's no laughing matter that people are paying more attention to what they leave behind in the toilet. I am one of them. I have always been conscientious of my colon health due to my mother's advice and poor health. The only staple in her diet, that I remember, was Diet Pepsi and cigarettes. I'm sure she ate, but we rarely sat at the table as a family. She picked while she cooked and insisted she wasn't hungry. For all I know, she wasn't eating to make sure one of us could have seconds. In a large family, food is a premium.

In my recent lifestyle change, I'm obviously noticing changes in my body. I have recognized that popcorn and I are not good bathroom buddies. I won't elaborate beyond saying the pain that follows the next day is just not worth the crunchy goodness. I'm not opposed to meat eating. However, beef is another product that is best left in the meat department. I listen to my body. Sometimes, others can probably hear it, too.

Fiber is our friend. It's best consumed via fruit, vegetables and fiber rich cereals. When you first introduce these items to your body you'll notice some discomfort. It'll pass. The key is taking it slowly. Downing a bowl of All-Bran followed by a lunch of broccoli and brown rice might well have an effect of grumbling and gurgling that seems to be bubbling from the bowels of hell. When your body is accustomed to the greasy, grimy, super slimey barrage of fast food and deep fried yuckiness, you owe it to yourself to put up with a little uncomfortable rumbling beneath the surface.
One of my biggest issues with Nutrisystem was the myriad of gastric issues. It's not so much that my bowel movements increased or seemed changed, but I was so blasted gassy. I was bloated. My body had a shocking amount of fiber coming in from every item I put down my gullet. Two months of NS and I finally began to acclimate.

This morning I was watching Good Day Chicago on Fox. As a guest, Dr. Moyad the author of "No BS Health Advice" , discussed the benefits of fiber. He echoed what many before him have said about taking in fiber in it's food form. He said the fiber pills are nothing but a sham. To get a days worth of fiber via the pills one would have to consume 60. SIXTY tablets. Cripes! That's enough to choke on. Flush that idea. Thanks, I'd rather eat a little bowl of All-Bran and get on with my day.
So, how does one know what their doo-doo says about their health? Here's a handy illustrated guide that even a child can understand. Rate your poo and don't get back to me. Do not send me photos so I can help you discern where your health stands. I care, but caring has its limits.


  1. Now ... Jumping Jack Flash ... he was a gas, gas, gas .....

    I dismember that diagram in a children’s book, I think. Maybe not. But it is familiar and I know it from somewhere. Some book on poop, no doubt.

    Nothing wrong with this post, Riss. Nothing at all.

    ………………… Ruprecht

  2. 8 paws wants to know who weighs their poop?

  3. 8Paws, I have to ask the same thing. I do not. Me thinks that's a job for professionals. Clearly, I'd skip that step in the evaluation.

  4. Parts of this post had me laughing. I must say, I haven't been one to check the weight, as mentioned by 8 paws, or the hardness.

    I can't help but remember the South Park episode on the World's Largest Crap. The chart needs to change its weight measurement into Courics.

  5. I'm a perfect 10, and you crack me up far more than you will ever know. Pack that suitcase, woman! :)

  6. I'd rather think about mascara & music than shit.


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