Sunday, January 25, 2009

Does this blog make my butt look big

I'm sitting here trying to catch up on blogs that I enjoy. If you look to your right along the side there is a list of the blogs I try to follow. It ain't easy.
I haven't even made coffee!!! When the desire to write hits; one must hop on the word flow train.

For some reason I turned on the television when I came downstairs. I think my hope was to find an old movie in progress. What I found was a sea of paid programming. I decided to cruise the channels for something that caught my eye or made me chuckle like SHAM-WOW! -- I can't handle those guys yelling at me. I get it. You're excited. But dude! I think you just popped an artery.

About 20 minutes ago an exercise program called Kettlenetics was telling me I could have sculpted abs and lean, long muscle tone and drop inches while having a good time. Ooh, and if I'd called within the next 10 minutes I'd get alllllll the items shown on the screen for 2 payments of $19.95 instead of 3 payments of $19.95. The program is all about getting your body moving along with use of a weighted kettle bell. It actually looks like fun, but I get frustrated when I can' t easily pick up the moves. Not to mention I think I'll clock a cat with that doo-hicky. I have no doubt that it'd be a blast if you're in a class and doing it. Oh, designer Michelle Khai includes a guide to healthier eating.

I didn't call. However, you're welcome to order it and have it delivered to me. I'll test it out and report on how it works for me. Seriously.

Now Rob Nevins is telling me he holds the key to my Skinny Switch Secret. Damn it! All these years I've been looking for a secret pill. Now this dude says it's a KEY! A FRIGGIN' KEY! Wow, I possess a magic butthole and had no idea. What if the switch is in my butt? I am so not going there, girlfriend.

For $5.95 per week (for a limited time offer) I'll have Rob as my personal online coach! An entire online community waiting to help me lose weight. I will get the benefits his clients usually pay THOUSANDS to receive. Damn! How can I resist? I'll be a full pant size smaller in a week, you guys. How can I be keeping my debit card in my purse? Why haven't I lifted my ever decreasing tuchus to jump on this great offer?

Well, first of all he's telling me the best exercise I can do for my body is to eat. My metabolism, with his plan, will make me thin! I get to "cheat" and eat fattening foods!! I can lose weight and eat delivery pizza? A "big bowl of ice cream once a week -- and not the fat free kind either." I quote that because Mr. Nevins said that in the program while holding a bowl big enough to bathe a newborn.


I thought one of the biggest problems overweight people have is the inability to limit fork to mouth. Portions that can feed a family of four feeding a singular person. The other issue is not getting enough movement. Sedentary people can be thin, but are they body healthy? I'm far from casting stones.

Paid programming/infomercials are designed to be seductive. That's why they are on early in the morning and late at night. People are at their weakest point. Sleep deprived and quite possibly most vulnerable. I'm sure there's a lot of validity in their claims, but don't preach how easy it is and then put in the small print "results not typical." Bastards!

My favorite (read as most laughable) infomercial is for the product that tells women they can lose inches without diet or exercise. Just wear this head to toe girdle and you'll be slimmer and less bulky. Tell me where those lost inches go? Seriously, isn't that just uncomfortable after hours of donning such a thing? I fully understand when a woman has purchased a dress that is form fitting or is made of a clingy material that the last thing a girl wants is bra bulge or panti-hose waistline rolls.

The most humorous thing is the before and after photos. Do they think we aren't noticing that the woman in the before is letting it all hang out. Her gut is jutted out and shoulders are rolled forward. I'm betting her bra straps aren't even adjusted. My mother would be having a cow over her posture. She'd poke her in the middle of the back and tell her to stand up straight and be proud of what God gave her. Eesh! And I thought I had problems finding a bra that fit properly.

Then, the OH MY GOD IT'S MAGIC! after shot. Puhleeeez. Yes, I agree there are no visible rolls and bulges, but I want a time lapse of how long it took that poor soul to squeeze into the contraption. I want to see her bending, sitting, getting in and out of her car without the top rolling or riding. I want to see if circulation is cut off by the end of the day.
I wouldn't want my boobs doing whatever her's are doing. Plus, what happens if you need to fart? The air passes and has no where to escape so it takes the path of least resistance and ends up fluffing your hair at your neck because it's the only place there's an opening.

There are countless websites chocked full of complaints about the quality and claims of this product. Here's a link to one such group of unhappy customers.
I've come to realize that not one thing works for all people. At least not in the world of magic solutions to weight loss. I'm rejoicing because since my decision to make a lifestyle change of cleaner eating, I have lost 11 pounds. I am not doing anything by the book or subscribing to any specific diet guru's plan. I am being sensible. There's absolutely no deprivation nor am I perfect in my endeavor. I'm certain a pomegranate martini isn't on the clean living plan.
Self-discipline. It's difficult for me to enlist in such a school of thought, but I'm doing it. Imperfect, I am. Like the old anti-drunk driving commercials declared, "Know when to say when."
I have a long way to go. Short term goals are a key element in my journey to healthful living. Yes, there's an ultimate goal, but I need to feel that I'm attaining goals daily and weekly along this path I'm forging.
In assessing myself it's obvious that this ultimate goal will take time. All this bodunkadunk, thunder thighs, jiggly wiggliness didn't happen over night. Therefore, I am not expecting to drop the weight any faster than it took to put it on. My focus is on being healthier and the result is a lower number on the scale.
My greatest joy in all of this is that Mancub is along for the ride without complaining. He's really unaware that we're eating healthier. He simply thinks I'm being more creative in the meals I prepare. His plate is colorful!! No more beige meals. The boy loves brown rice and whole wheat pasta. He's even requested that instead of regular spaghetti.
Excuse me while I get a little verklempt.


  1. Look out for that Body Spanx explosion!

  2. I have a Spanx product. It's been worn once or twice. I'm not impressed. It still digs into my waist and I bought a size bigger than recommended on the package. My solution: Lose the thick waist.

  3. Here I thought the reason for infomercials late at night was because that's when it was cheapest to buy airtime. I'd never even thought about that's when people's willpower was at its lowest!

  4. CONGRATULATIONS on the 11 lbs!! That's something huge, as is getting a teenager to love healthy food. You = Patty Duke/ Miracle Worker!! XOXO


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