Monday, August 10, 2009

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

Today's quote of the day comes from Anna Sewell. You know, the author of Black Beauty. I can't honestly say where exactly this quote comes from. All I know is that it's credited to her. Here goes: "I am never afraid of what I know." -- Anna Sewell

While that's incredibly profound and I'm sure in its true context it is absolutely brilliant and truthful. However, I can say with complete confidence that I am often afraid of what I know. In fact, there are things that are told to me that I wish I could bleach out of my memory.

There are some instances when a person has to get some secret out of their consciousness. In some cases, they give you the pre-emptive shpeel about how under no circumstances are you to share the information with anyone. Even if you are tortured with fire ants after honey is ladled on your flesh are you repeat what they are about to tell you.

STOP!

Really, if it's that crucial, I believe that person needs to go to a priest or pastor or just keep it to themselves. In most cases, the information isn't that vital, but could cause the teller of the secret a great deal of embarrassment.

If you resist listening, the person is somehow offended. Worry not, they'll find another unsuspecting soul to dump their woes upon. At least they did you the favor of giving you warning that what you're about to hear is top secret.

Then, there are those times when you aren't given warning. There's no consideration for what you may or may not be interested in hearing. You're sitting at your desk just going about your business. You know someone has entered your 'space' and you choose not to acknowledge him. Refusal to make eye contact is your best defense since they know you're 'in'. The task at hand requires your utmost concentration. Not really, but the doofus standing there doesn't know that.

Then it happens. Completely disregarding that you're working diligently, he speaks. No introduction with, "Hey! Do you want to hear what happened to me this weekend?" No. This vile humanoid has the audacity to just jump right into the story that will haunt your mind for eternity. Only a blow to the head that causes amnesia will wipe it from your memory. But with your luck, this dreadful tale is the one thing you will recall. The fact that this dude is sharing this information has you so perplexed that you thump yourself in the head to see if you're having a surreal dream.

"So, it turns out my neighbor and I made out with the same person. Turned out to be a guy, but boy! He had nice boobies."

He chuckles in his redneckian manner and you sit there frozen wishing a comet would thunder into the building and strike you down. Better yet, strike him down before he continues.

"I didn't discover little junior. My neighbor did. Apparently the she-it came looking for me and knocked on the wrong door. Neighbor let her in and went a lot farther than I did. *chuckledork* Yeah, what a shame. Nice boobs for a guy."

This is when you attempt to pick your jaw up off the desk. No reply from you. Silence until he finally walks away. It's then that you can't decide whether or not to report it to human resources or just pray it was a waking nightmare (or look for that comet). You, being kind and thoughtful, warn your co-workers that this moron will want to share a story with them. "Stop him! Heed my warning! Avoiding eye contact is futile. He'll get you, man. Just don't let him continue. Trust me and thank me later." You know this is true because that's how the guy works. He tells each and every person his stories. No consideration. Just BLAM! In your face stupidity.

Eventually doofus attempts to share the same (word for word) story with your mates. Initially, they stop him, but in time he manages to blindside them and dumps the whole ugly mess to their unwitting ears. Now you all share in the heinous imagery. Collectively you seek for comfort and therapy.

Now when Goober approaches, I literally cover my ears and, like a defiant child, "LALALALALALALALALALALALALAA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALALA"

3 comments:

  1. What? You didn't like that story? *snort*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hell, just congratulate him for coming out of the closet, even if it took this long.

    Bet he shuts the hell up! (lamo)

    ReplyDelete
  3. My friend call just today to *share* some news with me that left me with my mouth open. Like I don't have enough to deal with.
    GAGirl

    ReplyDelete

Say what!?