Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Inner Demons

I have a side of me that isn't fully aware that it's evil. My inner demon has not reached maximum development. However, the thoughts run rampant of what I would do if the little devil within reached full growth. It boggles my mind.
On the surface I am mild-mannered Marissa. That ever smiling woman who would be likely to give someone her last dime or the shirt off her back. Underneath it all I often long to rip someone to shreds. That someone is me. I get so irritated that I let small things get to me. I get angry that I'm nauseatingly gullible and, without a doubt, ignorant about human nature.
Something else that undoubtedly irks me about me is how easily I am swayed by flattery. Ugh! Foolish girl. I talk myself into being assertive; then, turn around and slap myself silly for being too outspoken. I, for the record, blame no one else but myself for my fate. Chances are that while I'm giving myself a good mental lashing, those that I feel I offended have long forgotten or simply dismissed my offense. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm hyper-sensitive in a world I curse for being chronically politically correct.
At what point in my life did it get drilled into my noggin' that I'll never be as good as the kid next door? Why can't I be content with paving my own path and looking back to enjoy what I've created? When did I become incapable of intrinsically appreciating myself? I consistently assume that people only see the outer layer; the slightly overweight shell (with fantastic hair, by the way). I know the answers, but I simply don't want to face facts.
I encourage those around me to 'be who you is' and never apologize for it. There is a chance that the people who know me just appreciate me for the woman I am. Those who've known me for a long time have made it abundantly clear that they are with me till the bitter end. The 'in-betweeners' are those who baffle me. Sadly, I trust myself far less than I trust others. Could it be that people know that about me? Do they sense it as an animal senses danger? Is there an internal warning system that goes off, "Danger! Danger Will Robinson!"
So, the devil in me isn't wanting to inflict harm upon anyone else. I let it overcome me and do the damage within. I keep praying I'll malnourish that demon until it withers and dies. Unfortunately, that's not today.

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