Sunday, April 27, 2008

Boobs, tatas, funbags ~ Thelma and Louise

Somethings I know to be true. This is one of them: Women check out other women. In this photo, I believe Sophia Loren is checking out the bedangling breasticles of Jane Mansfield or some other heart break of a story platinum blonde from Hollywood gone by.

We can't help it. I have a heapin' helping of the mamms and I still look at the protuberances on other women. I don't envy their size. However, I might give a discreet eye roll to those I can detect are enhanced. Or, I might wearily wish my girls could remain 'way up firm and high.' Ten months of breast feeding Man-cub took a toll on Thelma and Louise.

Because I don't have glorious gams I tend to gaze upon women who do have legs worth celebrating. My legs are long. To quote Steve Urkel, "she has legs that go alllll the way to the floor." Seriously, I do have long legs. Sadly, genetics cursed me with hefty thighs, knobby, fat knees and calves that would better suit a ham hock. Shorts are demonic fashions. Thank the gods of mercantile for capris or I'd be at a loss. Sadly, this situation leaves me at a loss when it comes time for going for a dip. I can only hope that those accompanying me look worse than I do in swimwear (or drunk enough not to care). I'd sooner go for a skinny dip in the dark than wear a swimsuit in broad daylight. My buoys would deter anyone from looking at the atrocity that is my legs.

When summertime approaches I long for the days of old. Take the swimwear styles of vintage era and combine it with the high tech, super fabrics of today. I'd be a bathing beauty if that were the case. With my weight loss endeavor I am hoping I can find a bathing suit top that will give the boobalas ample coverage and support while I don the surf shorts I've seen hip girls wearing on the beach and at the water parks. I don't proclaim to be hip, but I do declare that I'm not a granny panty wearing old broad willing to sit in the shade.


  1. So true-- so true. So long as you're not noticing my butt, I don't care if you can't tell me what colour my eyes are.

    Boys Board shorts... I've been sporting them for a decade. Problem is not the board shorts... it's the bikini top that will cover everything up at least somewhat modestly. I swear, why are all swimsuits either granny style or made for girls who look like little boys?

  2. Ding! Ding! I know, right? I don't feel like an old lady. So, why must I spend a week's pay to buy a supportive swimsuit top that isn't hideous?

  3. Ah well. Women spend cumulative MILLIONS every year trying to make their boobs bigger. If I have to pay a little extra for the waterproof fabric, at least I know I could never be personally used as a floatation device.


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