I walked by Fannie May Candies today. Our store is just around the corner from this confectionary nightmare (at Valentine's Day season). The place looks like it was hosed down with a crimson spray gun that was out of control. I don't know what upsets me more: The fact that people will pay such exorbitant prices for chocolate. Or that I know I won't be given a heart shaped box to rip open and devour its contents ... or share.
I know that I should find solace in knowing that I have a loving family, a son who adores me, friends who dig me. BUT! BUT!!! There's always that incredible sensation that someone chooses you to be their special sweetie for as long as time permits -- or until the red flags start smackin' you in the kisser. Either way, it's comforting that some soul took the time to endear themselves to you when they had other choices. Sigh ...
Okey dokey! Enough with the melancholy. I just needed to get it out of my system. I was reading in Reader's Digest, an article written by a relationship expert. Sorry, I can't recall who it wrote it. It might be the joker who created eHarmony.com. Regardless of who the author is, I found truth in one particular statement: "A couple is only as strong as it's weakest link." I paraphrase, obviously. However, that's the gist of the comment. I read that over and over. Then, I took into consideration my past relationships. I suppose that's how co-dependency evolves.
I do believe that God has given me nearly 3 years of celibacy as a means of being able to heal from the past, gain insight to my own psyche, escape the bonds of physical cravings ... confusion begins when sexual intimacy is embarked upon too early. You are free to disagree with me, but from personal experience, I know this to be true (for me).
I learned that, once I succumb to physical lust, I sell myself and the potential of the relationship short. I would get so wrapped up in being my boyfriend's personal vixen, that I forgot where my brain and heart separated. Yuck! That gets boring and old fast. Men and women who read this might very well disagree. However, without the true ability to communicate and share mental/emotional intimacy, there's not an orgasm in the world that can save a relationship that has a foundation built on condoms and self lubricant.
I've often considered myself a fixer-upper. It's probably a detriment to regard myself as something of which Bob Villa would take interest. I've been communicating my concerns about feeling needy and attention starved to my brother. He has a way of expressing himself without stomping on my frail ego. I don't take offense when he shares his wisdom and learned knowledge of God's teachings, and how they apply to me. He sees me worthy of the spiritual drywall, spackle and paint. I know that I am, as well; yet, it is always so reassuring to hear it from someone you respect and love. Jesus loves me, yes He does. I believe God knows who can deliver His message to me in a manner that resonates perfectly.
Change is a very scary thing. I typically avoid it whenever possible. You could easily accuse me of working for the same company for nearly 12 yrs for that very reason. When it comes to personal growth there is a higher grade of difficulty. If life is a puzzle, then we're comparing the Fisher-Price chunky puzzles to the all one color 20 bajillion teeny piece puzzle: Difficulty Level -- Stephen Hawking says it's hard!
I'm up for the challenge. I imagine the rewards I'll reap and it makes it a much easier pill to swallow.