What not to buy ... part 1

Fun Slides Carpet Skates :

Make sure your insurance is paid up and get your stories straight before taking the kids to the emergency room. I'm sure my brother would just love if I sent his 3 boys each a pair of these to use in the same room the HDTV is housed.

HD Vision Night Wraparounds This item is perfect for the guy who buys the sports car when he's in denial of his mid-life crisis. All the young babes will be salivating when he walks through the doors of the club wearing these over his no-line bifocal specs. Nothing says "I'll be your sugar daddy" like these urine colored lenses.

Lens Doctor DO NOT USE THIS CRAP! I cannot stress this enough. You might as well throw the $14.95 it costs directly into a shredder. Your lenses will be ruined and then you'll come to me at my place of business frustrated that I can't remove the dried goop on the lenses that causes you severely blurred vision.

S'Mores MakerReally? Are you that much of a dimwit that the concept of making s'mores requires a
gadget? Since chocolate met marshmallow people have been creating this sweet treat with nothing more than a stick and fire. It's so easy a caveman could do it. Besides that, it looks like Mr. Potato Head's cousin from Ecuador.

The Magic Bullet -- I still say this was a vibrator experiment gone wrong. Having already patented the name, they kept it. I imagine the test subjects for this pleasure item gone wrong have a suit pending for destroyed va-jay-jays.

Wood Bed Lifters I have to know if these come with warnings: DO NOT USE during raucus sex as severe injury might occur. Do not use these if your bed is near a window during even mild sexual encounters. Do not use these on tile or hardwood flooring as a Linda Blair Exorcist situation may occur during restlessness. I can appreciate the need to use the space under the bed for more than harboring dust bunnies, used tissues and an array of other misfit items. I've lived in places with very limited storage. However, I'd fear rolling over too quickly in my sleep and KABLAM!!!

Comments

  1. AnonymousDecember 6, 2009 at 1:18 PM

    I can't stop laughing...you are so funny!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. MarissaDecember 6, 2009 at 1:40 PM

    *curtsies* Mission accomplished, Chris.

    ReplyDelete
  3. MiracleManDecember 6, 2009 at 2:13 PM

    Wonders where you learned about the badness of some of these products??? hmmmm....

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousDecember 6, 2009 at 2:22 PM

    Heh... I tried something on the order of the Lens Doctor goop. Lesson learned: never buy something sold, not even BY Walmart, but in the front of Walmart from a rented kiosk.

    Speaking of rented kiosks, you know the ones at the mall where they sell the overpriced handcream? Walk right on by. Even if you have to trample the aggressive dude grabbing at your hands so he can massage and insult them at the same time.

    Carpet slides are just asking for trouble. That is all.

    ReplyDelete
  5. MarissaDecember 6, 2009 at 3:06 PM

    Purely conjecture, Rob lol

    Temporary kiosk items are the modern answer to shim-sham flim-flam men of the past

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousDecember 6, 2009 at 6:04 PM

    LOL these are so funny. I actually have a Magic Bullet and have had it for number of years and love it. But for the others I don't think I will be wasting my money to buy those LOL

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousDecember 6, 2009 at 6:12 PM

    You owe me a new computer. I have spewed coke on my laptop and it's now not working..

    ReplyDelete
  8. CatDecember 6, 2009 at 6:41 PM

    Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  9. On a limb with ClaudiaDecember 6, 2009 at 6:51 PM

    OH my - you have a real give at finding these ... gems! Wow...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Nathan Wind as CocheseDecember 6, 2009 at 8:45 PM

    I don't even want to think of some scenario with JFK and a Magic Bullet© now. D:

    ReplyDelete
  11. RuprechtDecember 7, 2009 at 11:14 PM

    Ruprecht <----- dislikes smores

    ReplyDelete

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