Sunday, November 22, 2009

I'd be thankful if ...

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching we're reminded that it's not about an endless buffet of food, football and sleeping on the couch in an upright position with our pants unbuttoned. Nor is it about plotting and planning the insanity that is shopping on Black Friday.  No. We're supposed to count our blessings and remind ourselves of the sacrificed our forefathers made to build this country -- and to give thanks to the Native Americans who were duped into giving it all away, but I digress.  All you history majors just put a lid on it. I'm on a roll like Bluto in Animal House.

But I like to be a visionary.  I don't want to blather on about the typical thankfulness for my family, health, friends and roof over my head. Isn't that a given? Gratitude is tallied up daily for all the things I do possess. It would be too predictable for me to wish for world peace, the end to hunger and prejudice -- this isn't a beauty pageant, after all. Don't get all high and mighty with me.

Suck it, Trebek!

What I want to share with you are the things I'd be thankful to never see again.  Those nagging irritants that just seem to never go away.  Like seething pustules on the ass of society, culture and entertainment, the items on my list just fester. And when you think you've lanced the bastard -- it comes back and often with a vengeance. Here are my top 10 randomly placed Things I'd Be Thankful for if They Disappeared:
1.  Vampires.  Sparkling, love making, swoony moony faced creatures of the night with 6 pack abs.  Go the fuck away. I'd love to be the one who rams a stake into each and every one of them and shoot their hairy little companions with a silver bullet. Movies, television, print ... oversaturation is not a good thing. No offense to anyone who is just madly in love with the Twilight series. You're entitled but it's all gone haywire. Enough is enough already.

2. (a)  Kardashians and anyone remotely related to them. That even goes for Olympic wonder boy Bruce Jenner and his douchey Bromancing son Brody. 
   2(b) Most of E! Network's programming should be silenced. How entertaining can Hugh Hefner and his gaggle of augmented platinum blondes be? They aren't! Word to the Lamas offspring: You're moronic and there's a reason you're D-listers. You're assholes! Ryan Seacrest needs to have less money so he's no longer able to produce diddly.  Denise Richards? Really?
I admit that I've watched the shows out of morbid curiosity. No. They aren't in my guilty pleasure line up. I'm still wondering why they continue to be on the air.

3.  Theatrical remakes.  Stop screwing with my teenage angst! You cannot improve upon them.  Television shows that were a hit 30 years ago do not belong on the big screen.  Also, not everything is better as a musical. Stop it. That High School Musical dude needs to be bitch slapped and fast. If Hollywood would spend half as much on decent scripts as they do high tech special effects then there would never me another lame remake. In fact, I can give them the name of a fantastic writer.

4.  Mary Murphy judge of "So You Think You Can Dance" -- I want her flipping head to explode in Scanners fashion.  Stop screaming! No one dances that well.  NO.ONE!

5.  John and Kate and all the other multi-birthing-your-uterus-is-not-a-clown-car families. I don't watch those shows but some how I know more about them than I ever wanted.

6.  Facebook games.  Please stop sending me invitations for Mafia Wars; Farmville: Cafewhatsitsface and the like. While I can appreciate your desire to earn points, collect rare animals and kill off another powerful family, I don't give a rat's ass.  I have music to listen to and blogs to write.

7.  Wendy Williams: What in the name of all that's holy!? Someone tell me how that happened! And is she a Drag Queen?

8.  Spray tanning.  It doesn't look authentic. Skin is not intended to be that hue. Oompa loompas didn't even want to be that shade. .

9. Rachael Ray. There. I said it. Her Muppet like face is everywhere.  Her voice is even worse. Her catch phrases Yum-O! Sammies, Delish, EVOO (and then explaining what it means) make me want to jab myself in the ears with hot pokers and then rinse out the pain with rubbing alcohol.

10. The Today Show.  Whoa! It's like 5 hours long. Meredith Veira and her pack of babbling boobs make The View seem intellectually stimulating.


  1. Too funny Riss!

    I'd like to see that SCREECHINGLY ANNOYING Mary Murphy get ``blowed up REAL good`` !!!!

  2. A friggin' men. Can I add some?
    1) Mis/Overuse of the word "random".
    1a) Also Mis/Overuse of the word "really".
    2) Women who paint all men as abusive, self-centered douchebags who are oppress women in one breath and then pant and slobber all over themselves about how "hawt" the men who actually fit that description are.
    3) Jay Leno
    4) Medicines whose side effects are 10X more awful than the ailments they're supposed to treat
    5) Fair weather friends

  3. I know i'm only a year late, but can I just say that was an effin' brilliantly funny post, Riss. And if I may add - remove everything from the E! channel except the wonderful Joel McHale and 'The Soup'. And Clark - how about overuse of the word 'basically'?

    1. "Literally. But yeah. Literally. Honestly. Like, yeah."
      It's four years later and the same things are pissing me off!

    2. No, but yeah, but no, but yeah but...

    3. I was watching BRAVO (which is just slop). There's a spin off show of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. VANDERPUMP RULES. Changed the channel when two of the servers of the restaurant SUR were "conversing." I used quotation marks because the "conversation" consisted of glances, sighs, and phrases much like what we've used in this comment thread.

  4. Thank God I didn't make the list. PK


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