Saturday, May 16, 2009

Time flies and feathers don't make you sexy

Hey! Wow! It's been nearly a week since I sat down to write something. Man!I suck donkey hooves.

After such an amazing Mother's Day you'd think I'd be walking on cloud 9, but alas, I slipped into a state of malaise. I couldn't put my finger on why I'd feel so sad.

The weather has been less than agreeable. Springtime in the Midwest is often a dreary state. We get so much rain. Nothing says welcome to summer like feeding the mosquito nests with lots and lots of stagnate water. Seriously, the ducks and geese are calling the fields near my house home. They are confused and will soon learn that the mass quantities of water are NOT newly formed ponds.

I had intentions of attending my niece Elyssa's college graduation ceremony today. As I said, I've been under the weather and stricken with a case of the blues. Physically I felt drained and my body ached. It felt as if I had 10 pound weights strapped to my ankles.

Last night I turned to Theraflu as I just couldn't take the sensation that I'd been run over by a Mack truck any longer. Retiring early to my bedroom with my hot cup of over the counter meds, I thought the morning would bring pep in my step upon awakening. I zoned out while watching my current TV addiction: Forensic Files. I can't get enough of that show. Ever since Grissom (William Peterson) left CSI: Vegas, well ... I'm having a hard time adapting.

Anyway, I was wrong about Theraflu's effect would have on me this morning. I feel worse. What's more devastating is that I'm missing my niece graduate from the nursing program. She's amazing. I had the honor of seeing her in action when our Uncle Chuck was hospitalized. She's a new mommy and still managed to complete her degree, fill shifts at the hospital and care of her baby Bella. She's an astounding, vivacious young woman.

Prior to giving in to the need for medicinal relief, I looked up unexplained feelings of sadness. I'm one of those people who needs answers. Without any specific cause or circumstances making me feel overwhelmed emotionally, a reason needed to be discovered. It seemed evident without needing to Google it. I was getting sick, but it didn't hit me until it literally hit me. I don't seem to have a fever, but even the tops of my feet ache. My hair follicles feel as if they are straining to support my strands of hair. The bridge of my spectacles feels more like an anvil residing on my nose. I'd go back to bed, but laying in any position makes me hurt more.

In an effort to amuse myself and try to forget how icky I feel, I turned to Google once more. This time, I went in search of glamour shots. Now, I take some pretty awful photos. I do pose and turn and if I'm lucky one out of one hundred will be to my liking. However, that knowledge about myself doesn't make me laugh any less at people trying to bring out their inner-sexy-beast. I don't blame the subjects. I point fingers at the photographers who clearly have a sadistic sense of humour. People fork over a ton of moolah for ridiculous poses adorned with furs, metallic wraps, feathers and air brushing that puts Playboy to shame.

Is that her hand or that of another in an attempt to choke the sense back into her? Is she giving the photographer the finger?And how about those earrings?

Nothing says, "I'm spunky!!" better than grabbing on to your leather jacket collar. Her eyes seem glazed over from the Aqua Net over spray she inhaled to get her hair to shocking heights.

Another favorite patented pose of Glamour Shots is the throat grab. I don't know if it is a trick to hide a chicken neck/turkey woggle or sign language for "Aqua Net fumes are choking me!!"

I have a Bedazzler and I'm not afraid to use it. The look on her face says "I will kill you in your sleep" more than it says "come hither."

Yes, when I'm sick I am a mean sort. I get testy and hateful. My intent is to amuse without malice toward the unsuspecting subjects in the above glamour photos. I'm certain they are all lovely creatures who needed to feel like a Hollywood Diva for a day ... but their high hopes bring me high-larity.


  1. Bwahahahahaha! "I will kill you in your sleep"!

    You're a hoot girl :)

  2. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have a bedazzler and am not afraid to use it.

  3. there were so many to choose from. I hope no one hunts me down with a subpoena.
    Nothing says 'sexy senior' like being surrounded in blue feathers and a blue background to offset the blue hair and red eyes.


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