Saturday, May 16, 2009

As seen on TV -- Saturday sickness

I don't like being yelled at by Billy Mays. The products he's hawking are obviously so amazing that it makes it impossible to CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE!!! (Thanks Austin Powers movie.) Then there's that creepy squinty in just one eye dude who got arrested for something perverse -- the guy who sells SHAMWOW! I have heard that's a decent product, but make sure it has GERMANY stamped on the label of it's not the original (or something like that).

What's equally annoying are the fitness info-mercials. They show a woman twice my size who has dwindled down to a petite size 4 solely by using the fitness program being sold. I've ordered some of those fitness scams and there is NO WAY that large Marge woman got down and did the push-ups and goofy as hell body manipulations as done on the DVD. No. F-ing. Way! "I never exercised a day in my life and now I am a fit 57-young! I walk by construction sites and get the wolf-calls galore."

I scream BULL!!

I told you earlier today that I get mean when I'm sick.

My curiosity and inability to really concentrate with the feeling of an anvil sitting on my face took me to Google. Again. This time my search was for "as seen on TV products." Of course there's a website dedicated to these cheese-a-rific products. I wish I could get paid to try them out and then give my reviews. That'd be so awesome. I could do it all from the comfort of my pjs. I'd be willing to humiliate myself on video. Who'd be willing to pay a small fee to subscribe to such Rissananigans?

Before I dive into the products that have me most curious, I must applaud the folks who name these gems. Seriously, who could resist the Slap Chop, Lucidal or Fasta Pasta! Me! That's who, but all the same, I'd try them out if there was money in it.

Wizzit! -- My, oh my! Doesn't this just make the mind wander? What is it? A portable purse sized potty? "Never stop while traveling with Wizzit! No unnecessary detours for you and the family. Just pass WIZZIT and you'll never get off course."

Nope. Wizzit is a hair removal system that "attracts hair like a magnet... 50x faster than tweezers" In other words, it's going to rip the hair right out of your flesh and cause pain. Lots and lots of pain. Perhaps, if you're into bleeding, you'll bleed your own blood (Yes, White Goodman of Dodgeball said it.)

Touch n Bond: Hmmm did Dr. Phil come up with a new-fangled family therapy? It's been said that a hug can do wonders for the human spirit. Naturally, Dr. Phil could find a way to profit from it. Alas, no. This isn't about mending the broken family. It's intended use is repairing everything from your daughter's ornamental jeweling on her prom gown to the rip that old Fido left on the upholstery of the "don't sit on that" front room couch. It says it's permanent and non-toxic. I wonder if I could use it to hold up my tig ol' bitties. Nothing says, "I'm not aging" like permanent decolletage.

Monster 1200: Hell yeah! FINALLY! It's what every celibate girl (read as can't find a man to save her life) wants in her bedside table. With a name like Monster, it has to be good. And it comes with 10 accessories including the smallest of attachments to get into the nooks and crannies. Woo dawgy!
Nope. Nada. HA! It's a cleaning machine that can out clean Stanley Steamer. It claims to deodorize and sanitize any surface in seconds while it hangs from your arm ... but be careful! Steam causes 3rd degree burns. So keep it away from Bob the dog and other cherished family members.

It's clear that I have more time on my hands than I have sense today.


  1. Most excellent post! We all need a little Billy Mays in our lives (not!)

  2. Riss, you need to be sick and miserable more often; the posts you write in that state are comedy GOLD!

    Out of all the AS SEEN ON TV ads, I can't believe you forgot about the Snuggie, or, as others call it, the WTF Blanket.

    Oh, and you also might like the Cock Shot as well.

  3. Nathan, the Snuggie has been laughed at enough. I wanted to touch on things less common; yet, remarkably frightening upon first glance.

    Cock Shot! How'd I miss that.

  4. Billy Mays is a frightening man. I don't think he knows how to speak in anything softer than a megaphone-shout. Maybe something is physically wrong with him and this is the only job he can get where his disability is actually useful. Poor Billy Mays and his malformed vocal cords... Nah, he's a freak. Love this post!


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