Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Taking chances and living without regret

Wow! That's one hell of a post title, eh?

It is the morning of New Year's Eve. Snow is on the ground. Temperature is in the teens. Winter is on a hormonal roller coaster. But enough about the weather.

2013. It is almost history. What have I done with the last 364 days? There are the typical things that comes with being a single mom. My son graduated from high school and started college. Work became more demanding and with that came the revelation that I do not seem to fit corporate jargon filled mentality. With that I must either adapt or seek employment elsewhere.

My employment woes is not what this post is about.

"What is it about, Marissa? I'm already bored?"

This is about what 2013 brought for Marissa the female. The single woman. The mom stuff aside. None of the manager crud. I am talking about the chick... the wo-man that has been stifled. This is about putting it out there and getting my swerve on.

Do you catch the drift now?

No! It doesn't mean picking up sleazy guys in bars or hooking up on some sex-only adult website. Gross! I mean allowing myself to be available emotionally. It means taking a risk to be rejected or heartbroken. But who knows if that will happen. It could turn out great. Or, how about this silly notion... permitting myself to be happy with another person. A male sort.

2013 and pretty much every year prior to that since 1999, I have withheld myself from relationships. Oh, I dated. Plenty of fun was to be had. It was topical. Giving myself fully was too risky. Along the way I learned, or thought I had, most men just wanted a good time gal. Through believing no one could see me as a serious prospect to date and be exclusive with, I projected this aloof creature who didn't need anyone. Being good for laughs, a filler-in, until they (men) met a woman who'd offer a tangible, comprehensive relationship. I would tend to share my feelings too much too late...they'd moved on.

That shit gets old. Fourteen years! That's how long I've been divorced.

Life is short.

2014 will be about living in the moment. Going with my gut and shutting off that inner voice that tells me not to risk it all will not be easy. That aggravating voice is loud. I am taking away its megaphone. The batteries from its Mr. Microphone are being removed.

I am ready.

Laugh at me if you must for posting this tune (because it is Barry Manilow), but it pretty much says it all.  It was used in the film "Foul Play" starring Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase. Sing along. Tap a toe and pay attention. I've been living inside a shell, but I am ready. With whom? I haven't a clue, but the adventure will be worth the risk... "you get what you get when you go for it ..." Oh, Barry, sing it! Sing the TRUTH!

You remind me I live in a shell,
Safe from the past,
and doing' okay,
but not very well.
No jolts, no surprises,
No crisis arises:
My life goes along as it should,
it's all very nice,
but not very good.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again,
Ready to put my love on the line with you.
Been living with nothing to show for it;
You get what you get when you go for it,
And I'm Ready To Take Chance Again with you.
When she left me in all my despair,
I just h eld on,
My hopes were all gone.
Then I found you there.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again
Ready To Take A Chance AGain with you,
With you.

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