Monday, September 1, 2008

This date had fecal matter all over it

The fellow that was nicknamed Sum Yung Guy will be changed to Alton as it better suits him and doesn't remind readers of the skeevy joke with Sum Yung Guy in the punchline.
Due to the events leading up to my sister's surgery I have been derailed about discussing my personal life as it relates to dating. I hope this blog post will be an entertaining means of catching up.
Alton and I went out for the first time on August 15. We dined at a local steakery and then headed over to the 2nd Annual Bishop MacNamara High School Mac-Bash. This is a fund-raiser/welcome to the new school year party and the entire community was invited. Live music was enough of a lure for us. A good time was had while we people watched and continued to talk about anything and everything under the beer tent.
Since Alton isn't from Kankakee, I acted as chauffeur. I handed him my iPod and let him choose the music for the drive over. He selected my 80s music playlist. He so scored points with that.
Once the festivities of Mac-Bash ended I had to take him back to the dining venue where his car sat alone in the parking lot. Our conversation continued when my cell phone rang. It was Man-cub wondering when I'd be picking him up from Aunt Maureen's (prior to her surgery.) I told him 'soon' and he was fine with that reply. I hung up and turned to Alton who sat in the passenger seat, "I guess that's my cue to leave adult fun times and return to being responsible adult. So, kiss me or just get out of the car." He chuckled and said, "all right..." and leaned in willingly -- I'm such a delicate flower, aren't I?
Soon turned into later and it brought up this curious question: Can a kiss on the neck cause spontaneous ovulation? I'm not lying when I tell you that my ovaries made a 'ba-da-dot' sort of rhythm which interrupted our smoochfest. I had to sit back and let out a 'whoa!' And since I am who I am and I say what I'm thinking, I informed Alton of the effect his kiss had on me. Again, I'm so demure. He says he finds my bluntness and randomness charming. Me? Charming? psh! Love.It!
An end had to come to the night and we parted ways with smiles on our faces and regret that it had to end so soon.
Over the last couple of weeks we maintained contact with phone conversations, but since I have play practice and family responsibilities, we weren't able to schedule another date until August 29. I felt a little guilty going out on a date while my sister was in the hospital. I'd been in a fog from the time she went into surgery. Friends assured me that going out would help lift the haze and give me a mental break. They were absolutely right.
Alton had a movie in mind and I was in total agreement. A movie wouldn't require conversation because I just wanted to 'be.' You've had those moments, I am sure. All you want to do is exist in the universe without giving thought to anything or anyone around you.
This date would take on a whole new meaning as the night unfolded.
We agreed to go see the Don Cheadle flick "Traitor." Once at the theater, Alton had to use the facilities. I waited in the lobby and spied a table with boxes resting on top. The items on the table were samples of Dove Anti-perspirant with a sign stating, "Compliments of the Paramount Theater. Please take one."
"Ohhhhkay! This is weird," I thought as I giggled. Clearly the theater management was fully aware that Friday night is typically date night and had the hygiene of their patrons in mind. As Alton approached from the restroom, I reached out handing him his freebie, girly pit-stick. His expression was priceless. "Do I smell?" I grabbed another one. A girl can never have too many travel size anti-perspirants. In to my purse they went and we found our seats. The previews had just started. Like me, Alton likes the previews and prefers to arrive at the theater early.
We thought the Dove encounter was going to be the oddity of our second date. HA!
Alton and I held hands or kept in physical contact by one means or another throughout the duration of the movie. Human contact of that nature has medicinal qualities. We weren't out of line or embarrassing to those around us. No overt PDA. I do have some sense of decorum.
The movie is somewhat of a blur. I know I jumped a couple of times only because I'm sensitive to violence in movies. I think I liked it. You'd have to ask Alton if it's worthy of seeing in the theater or wait for it on DVD. I gave him a laugh when I asked if it was a good movie or not. Once again, he thinks my random thoughts are delightful. Yea! I'll be delighting him a lot if that's the case.
We talked on the way back to the mall. He met me there to decrease the chance of me confusing him with directions to my house or our destination. Again, I drove. When we arrived back at the mall parking lot I remarked how it was lit up like Wrigley Field during a night game ... I'm not even sure Wrigley has night games. He understood the direction of my reference. A blindingly bright parking lot does not lend a helping hand to adults who might want to do some old fashioned making out.
We flirted a bit and talked. Between phrases we smooched. That is until my cell phone rang with the strains of my nephew's ringtone. Knowing they were on their way from Loyola, (visiting their mom) I had to answer. JP informed me they were lost. "We missed an exit for 294 or something ... hey! Burger King has tacos for $1.29." It's not a joke. He actually said that. He asked if I was at home and able to Mapquest them home. I told him I was out, but had no problem going to their house (which was closer than mine) to figure out how to get them turned back around. Alton was up for the road trip. I think he was happy the date didn't have to come to an end.
While driving toward sister's house, the phone rang again. This time it was Man-cub. I told him what was going on and he was cool. He just wanted to make contact with dear ol' mom. Shortly after hanging up with Man-cub, JP called to tell me that the Burger King with the $1.29 tacos had Wi-Fi. "We are on Mapquest." Since we were nearly at the house I decided we should still go there and give the dogs a chance to take care of business. I felt it necessary to be available to the boys if they still couldn't get home without my assistance. Plus, it would provide Alton and I an opportunity to be cozy away from bright lights and bucket seats.
If I knew what was awaiting us, I would have never suggested going to my sister's house.
We entered the house through the garage door. I fully expected both dogs, Lady and Ted E. Bear, to greet us wildly. Lady is the elder dog and very well behaved. She casually strolled over. Down the hall I heard Teddy barking maniacally. I was also hit in the nasal cavity with the pungent odor of pooh. Doody. Crap. Dung. Shit. Oh-my-God!
Teddy is a new addition to their family and not house broken. He has learned to jump the baby gate. I've never been a dog owner so I can't suggest what is best in these situations. All I knew as the little pooch had managed to lock himself in the bathroom and had been desperately trying to get out.
From under the door I saw a dingleberry of doo-doo. I turned to Alton and asked that he kiss me because with those crappy circumstances, the night was surely going to take a turn for the worst. I opened the bathroom door and unleashed the frantic canine, "Oh God! Don't let him jump on you! He's covered with pooooooooo!!!"
Turning on the light revealed how frenetic the pooch had become. Clearly he had spazzed out after defecating on the floor. I was at a loss. I couldn't believe it. The tiled floor had dooky schmear in the grout. The back of the door had remnants of his panic to get out. He'd even managed to get some doody flung on the side of the tub. I don't know how he did it.
Alton helped me get both dogs outside and leashed. I kept apologizing. He was calm and comforting. I turned on the television and offered him a beverage to sip on while I cleaned up this awful mess. He took the drink, but didn't sit back and let me take on this vile duty alone.
There was nary a paper towel to be found. I searched high and low to no avail. All the towels were new. Surely a rag, old shirt or something was stuffed away in a box in the garage or under the sink. I paced about and mumbled. Alton kept his sense of humor and offered smiles and pecks as I passed him. The man earned himself many gold stars in the process.
I dug around deeply under the kitchen sink and discovered a couple Handi-Wipes, rubber gloves, a shredded towel and Lysol Anti-Bacterial spray. What I really needed was a pressure washer and a haz-mat suit!
"I'm going to smell like poop!"
I sprayed down the entire surface of the bathroom floor, behind the door and the outer tub.
While that soaked in, I made my way to the kitchen to pour myself a drink. The beverage of the night was margaritas left from the night I stayed with JP. I bought single serving sized bottles when we were at the store. I knew they'd come in handy.
Alton gathered together plastic grocery bags for picking up the bulky poop. I complained that it was sickening and making me gag. "I know baby poop! I'm not a dog pooh person!" Then, "you really don't have to help me do this. I feel so badly. Really, I am sorry. I hoped we'd have some alone time, but this wasn't what I had in mind."
He put my mind at ease telling me he was a dog person and understood the trials of housebreaking a puppy. He didn't whine or gripe once. He just stuck with me through stench and gag.
When I realized Teddy had gotten pooh all over himself, Alton offered to bathe the little guy. I resorted to getting a towel and wetting it to clean off the pup. I felt we'd been through enough already. We scoured our hands and arms when clean up was complete.
We didn't leave the house because I needed to make sure the boys made it home. I made a bag of popcorn, we grabbed our margaritas and headed to the patio. The night air helped clear my head of the smell of feces. We laughed uproariously at the evening's turn of events. As he nuzzled my neck he whispered that I did not reek of puppy pooh.

I sincerely feared he wouldn't want to see me again declaring it all too much drama, but he delighted me with an invitation to go out again this week if our schedules warrant it. I accepted and canoodling commenced.
My nephews arrived home safely. I gave them a synopsis of the pooey situation. They thanked me for cleaning it up and not leaving it for them. I never could have done that. I suspect they would have just closed the bathroom door and left it quarantined until the next day. JP asked Teddy if he wanted to take a bath.
Alton and I made tracks back to the mall. Although I enjoyed that our date didn't end early, I can't help but wonder if all of our dates are going to be this colorful.
This number two date offers these words of wisdom: Even in the face of something truly shitty, good humor and romance can be unearthed and we can come out smelling like a rose.


  1. MissRiss, That was priceless.
    He IS a keeper.
    Be waiting for the next installment.

  2. When you find a date willing to pick up doggy poo and who knows the plastic bag trick, he is definitely a keeper.

  3. Wow! A date who will help you clean up dog poo on the second date is definitely a keeper!

    I can't wait to hear about date #3!

  4. Rupe has the feeling he's read this somewhere previously ......

  5. Ya know what? Some of us guys go for those frantic, fun, and slightly messy nights.

    The earlier in the process, the better.

  6. I know I've been absent for a while, but I must agree with ria ludy, I think you found someone VERY compatable. I sincerely hope the trend continues on and on. This is awesome!

  7. Just think of the laughs you'll have talking about this one later. Yep, he's a good one if he was willing to help clean all that crap up. Ew, I think puppy poop smells a lot worse than baby poop. YUCK!



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