Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I have a dream ...

Hi there. I have no idea what to make of anything in my personal life. I keep praying I'll maintain patience. And when patience doesn't pay off with dividends I find palatable, I pray I'll have keen understanding and solace.

I'm still back at square one with Alton. Actually, I don't even think we're on square one. If this was a board game we'd probably be sitting on the "do not pass" square while awaiting the spinner to land on "1" -- at least I'm waiting for a move that is minuscule, but will be wildly significant.
We still talk. As of late, it's been my doing. I've made the call.

On Saturday I chucked caution and called the cell phone that he got because of my influence. Directly to voice mail. UGH! I left a babbling message fitting for my reputation. "Marissa Randomosity" as he's coined it. The very randomosity he finds/found endearing and charming. Once I hung up, I gave myself permission to call him at work. Yeah. I'm all ballsy. He was there. When he picked up I asked if he was busy. I gave him ample opportunity to dismiss my call. Instead, we talked for nearly an hour. I expressed concern over him being at work and being on the phone for such a lengthy call. He told me he was getting some looks, but "f*ck em." He doesn't typically throw out the F-bomb. My girly ego was pleased. We laughed a lot. We talked about various things.

I am a pessimist when it comes to my personal relationships. Stinkin' thinkin' and all that jazz. I try not to read into things said. Or rather things unsaid. I'm constantly told that men aren't that insightful. Men tell me their species isn't that complicated. Yes. Yes, you are.

I'm prone to putting words in Alton's mouth -- or any man's, for that matter. My imagination is the root of my unsettled heart. Well, that's not all together true. Lack of action from Alton is the root of that. Justified as he may feel, it's still making me crazy. Patience, dear woman. Patience.

I'm not sitting at home moping, but I know I'm spending far too much time on being curious. After he and I spoke on Saturday I was high as a kite on a breezy, sunny day. I was groovin' in the moment and excited that he said I would definitely see him again, "We should go to a movie," he declared. Then, the unfounded, unsupported comment came via a mutual friend and former co-worker ...

"I hear Alton has a girlfriend ..."

Initially I thought that he was referring to me and being coy. I asked where he heard that. Of course, as the case in rumor spreading, he couldn't remember the source. Then, when I said I had no problem with Alton having a girlfriend if it was in reference to me.

"All I know is Friend A and Friend B (both co-workers) say they never see or hear from him much ... they figure it must be a woman." After that he went on to say that I must be whipping Alton into submission due to the recent cell phone purchase, "that man swore those things off ... said he'd never get one because they were too much hassle. You must have him whipped."

I played it cool. I informed this 'friend' that Alton and I haven't seen each other in a couple weeks. "We've not discussed being exclusive. I'm a novice to dating. I'm just going with the flow."

HA! Flow my big, white butt! It's killing me, but I wasn't going to reveal that to the pot-stirrer. As our conversation progressed he seemed to get a bigger spoon. I must consider the source. My only source needs to be the horse's mouth: Alton's full, pouty mouth *sigh*

All of that meant nothing as the day went on. I could only ponder the girlfriend comment. Is it possible in 2 weeks of time off from me that he found someone else? Was there another woman in the wings? Is the man I considered forthright and compassionate a total facade? Could it be possible that while I sit here and pine over him; missing him; longing for his big, blue eyes to look back at me ... he's off making time with another woman? Yes. It's feasible. Why wouldn't it be?

At this moment I choose to be oblivious. I don't want to know. I've not given up hope. If it's not meant to continue then we'll have that fateful discussion. I have to relax. I'll face the facts when they are presented to me.

In the meantime, I sent Alton an email that contains a recent photo. I suggested he might want a reminder. I haven't heard back. He checks emails as frequently as he checks his cell phone messages. I know his week is crazy as he gets ready to fly to California for his brother's wedding where he is the best man (and I do believe he is.) Not to seem like a broken record, but he is a man of good character. That is what drew me to him. That is what sustains my attraction.

The photo in question is from Sunday. I was dolled up for a surprise trip to Chicago. Maureen and Kris took me to a matinee in Chicago. I had no idea what we'd be going to see until we stepped foot in the theater.

They are both fans of Wicked and The Color Purple. We drove past the theaters where those shows were being performed. I tried not to look for clues. I love happy surprises (note to Alton.) I've only been to Theater Row in Chicago once and that was long ago. It'd been eons since I sat in a theater to see a professional musical. I was giddy.

Finally, we arrived at the Auditorium Theater. I couldn't tell if there was a marquee. I saw no posters of the current show. There was advertisement for a ballet coming soon.

Maureen kept my ticket tucked away. She presented the tickets to the usher and said, "it's a surprise for her." Stepping into the atrium I saw t-shirts. Black shirts with these words emblazoned across the front: MAMMA MIA! I nearly burst into tears. My birthday movie relived. LIVE!!

Kris managed to get phenomenal seats for us on the final performance. I was beside myself. There I sat next to the single most important person in my life other than Man-cub.

The rockin' overture started and tears welled in my eyes. I couldn't believe I was there. I leaned to hug Maureen. I thanked her as tears streamed down my cheeks. She whispered that it was Kris' idea as a small token of thanks for lending support. I reached my hand to Kris in lieu of a hug. The sentiment wasn't minimized. She grinned knowing how happy I was. We all beamed because we could share in the day.

The curtain rose ... Sophie sang:

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream
No truer words spoken or sung. A simple tune. Simple lyrics. It's in the simplistic that we often find greatest meaning.

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream


  1. Man, can you tell a story.

    I wish I could tell you something about the "species", being one of them, but I can't.

    You're on one helluva roller-coaster ride MissRiss.

    Oh, and I luv the pic. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Hmmm you wish you could tell me something about your species, but you can't? Will you be violated some guy code? C'mon, let me in on the secret if there is one. I promise not to tell a soul!

  3. Not that I won't, but I haven't figured it out yet myself :*)

    You wanna talk mood swings? It's not just the province of the fairer sex. We get 'em too, we're just so clueless, we aren't aware of them.

    We're worth it and not, at the same time. You can't win, but, you can't lose either. Just a question of what "game" is being played. ;*)

  4. I found your blog through Stuck in the 80's. (I'm obsessed w/the podcast!)

    I have no comment on the male species as I have no clue as to their inner workings either.

    I also wanted to say that I saw Mama Mia a few years ago on Broadway and have to say that song made me cry and still does. I'd never heard it before and they put it at such a perfect part of the play. It's such a hopeful, heart wrentchingly beautiful song.

  5. Angie, I knew the song, but didn't attach sentiment to it until seeing MAMMA MIA! in the movie theater. Then, seeing it performed live gave even greater meaning.
    I hope you take the opportunity to read some of my older posts. Through my writing you'll understand the closeness my sister and I share.

    As for Stuck in the 80s, it is highly addictive. I'm glad you found me and hope you stick around. I've been pretty boring lately. Maybe things will pick up and I'll be more entertaining :)

  6. Maybe he's reading this blog and freaking out ....

  7. I suppose that is very true, Anonymous. If it does 'freak him out' or bother him, I'm sure he'll tell me.

  8. Listen up, dancing queen...

    I don't know exactly what you're going through...
    and I understand every minute of your day, every gnaw at your stomach... every imagined scenario (there's no other woman, I'd bet money) in your pretty little head.

    I wrote for you today.
    I get it.
    I support you.

  9. Offers a species clue:

    "Dumb us down. It'll help."

    Rupe has to got take his beatings like a man, now, for revealing this information. My membership might even be revoked.

    ..................................... Rupe


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